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Saturday, March 3, 2007

Asking Her Out - The "Call Back to Confirm"

It is a situation I have found myself in countless times over the past several years. Woman likes my profile and contacts me. A couple of emails go back and forth, with the requisite amount of teasing and playfulness of course. Inevitably, the number comes. Everything is going by the book.

So I call her. I used to keep the first phone call extremely brief (10-15 minutes MAX), and I usually recommend that others do the same - especially when you are first starting out. Remember, the main purpose of the phone call is to set up the first meeting. But after doing this a while, I no longer have the time or desire to meet everyone I am in contact with online. So now I like to chat a bit and see if there is any potential for chemistry. This has helped me weed out some people I would have otherwise wasted my time with in person.

I finally decide that there is enough there to meet for a drink. She seems normal enough, and we shared a similar experience as to how we each left our previous jobs. The question is simple enough - I have literally done it hundreds of times. "Hey, let's meet for drinks Tuesday night. How's 8:00?" Then I shut up and listen.

There are only two acceptable answers to that question (actually, there are three, but women don't seem to have the ability to say the word ‘no' in these situations). The first, of course, is any variation of "sure, I’d love to!" The other one is where she explains that she can't make it on Tuesday, but counteroffers with another night. "I already have plans for Tuesday, but how about Thursday?"Any other answer is an indicator of low interest on the part of the woman.

There are a couple of common tactics women use in these situations, and she managed to throw two of them at me. Here's how to spot them:

First, she failed to properly counteroffer. Her response (after hemming and hawing a bit), was something along the lines of "I have something I am doing on Tuesday and I don't know how long it is going to take... what other nights are you free this week?"

DON'T fall for this trick. It is a test. She is trying to determine whether you have a life, or if you are going to act like you haven't had a date in six months and she is your only chance for true love. If you start spewing out other days, it will send her a message that you either have nothing else going on with your life or you are a LITTLE too eager to meet up with her (ESPECIALLY if you suggest a Friday or Saturday night).

I respond by explaining to her that I have a ton of stuff going on this week and Tuesday is the only night I know for sure I am going to be around. Then I shut up and listen again.

Test passed. A couple of moments later, she pretends to be pulling out her planner and tells me she is around on Thursday if that is ok with me. I hesitate for a moment and say that I have some stuff going on earlier that evening, but I could meet up with her at 8. I then pick a place convenient for both of us (where my cousin happens to be the bartender ;) which she agrees to. For a moment, I think I am home free.

Then she hits me with her second doozy. "You know what, give me a call on Wednesday or Thursday morning so we can confirm that we are still on."

This is unacceptable. She is essentially telling you is that she’ll keep you hanging until Thursday in the hopes that something better comes along. If you agree to this arrangement, you have just handed over your balls on a silver platter.

So I call her on it. "Let me ask you - are you anticipating that something is going to come up and you wont be able to make it?" She hems and haws again. I go on. "Because I don’t see any reason to have to confirm if we have definite plans." She agrees hesitantly.

The bottom line is that if she is truly interested in getting to know you, there would be no hesitation on her part. Her unwillingness to commit (twice!) showed me that, for whatever reason, she was reluctant to meet. So I explained to her that I did not think we were a match, and that I wished her the best but saw no point in either of us wasting our time meeting up. She actually thanked me for my honesty, and we parted cordially.

The important thing to remember here is not to worry about why she was hesitant to meet. Perhaps she is a game player. Perhaps she is just not interested in meeting you for some reason. Perhaps she got a C- in high school biology. Perhaps she is dating four other guys and your timing is bad. IT DOESN'T MATTER. The important thing is to smile that you just weeded out someone not worthy of your time, and say to yourself, NEXT!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge

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