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THE PROCESS: HOW TO GO FROM A FIRST CONTACT WITH A WOMAN TO AN IN-PERSON FIRST MEETING






Thursday, May 31, 2007

How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part III of IV - The First Date and Beyond

www.ApproachDynamics.com

This is the third part of a four-part series. Click here for:
How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part I of IV- Introduction
How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part II of IV - The Initial Meeting
********
Sometimes you are not going to be able to determine whether you have a gold digger on your hands right away. Here’s a sampling of what to look out for. And by the way, the more you find yourself answering yes to these questions, the bigger a problem you have on your hands.

Planning the First Date:

Once you have set up a first date with her (a ‘first meeting’ for drinks if you met her online), did she seem excited to be seeing you or did she appear to be offended that you chose a café or a pool hall rather than a five-star eatery?

Also, after you set up the date/meeting, did she try and change venue on you to someplace ‘nicer’? If she does, REFUSE and stick to your original plan. See how she reacts. If she ends up flaking on you, congrats! You got off easy! And of course, DO NOT make any more plans with her.

But if it looks like she has a legitimate reason for changing venue (i.e. closer to where she lives), agree to move it to her neighborhood but choose a different place than she suggested. Again, see how she reacts. If it looks like it’s a problem, cancel and throw her number away. Then take some of that money you just saved and let us redo your profile or show you how to approach women!

The First Date:

On the first date/meeting, is she on time? If not, does she apologize and/or offer to buy you a drink? And by the way, NEVER wait more than 20 minutes for anyone.

When the waitress comes, does she order the most expensive drink on the menu? Does she try to hit you up for food, even though you made it clear that you were meeting for drinks? Does she mention money at all? [And by the way, "I don’t care about how much money a guy makes" is girl code for, "if I really didn’t care about money, I wouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place"]. And most importantly, does she make an offer to pay when the check comes (which you will refuse, of course), and did she say "thank you" for treating her?

The First 60 Days of the Relationship:

The first 60-90 days is the real probationary period for any new relationship, as this is the time where you guys are still getting to know each other and most of the ‘rules’ for the relationship are being formed. So here are some things to look out for during this time. Is she constantly expecting you to take her out all the time, or is she just as cool hanging out at home? Does she ever offer to take YOU out anywhere? Does she pay for anything? Does she OFFER to pay for anything? Is she constantly trying to find out how much money you make? Is she obsessed with your job/social status?

Here is the bottom line - would she still be dating you if you were suddenly flat broke, or if you woke up tomorrow and decided you didn’t want to be a lawyer/investment banker/actuary/etc. anymore?

So now that you know how to identify a gold digger, what pre-emptive steps can you take to avoid encountering one of these women in the first place? Well, you’re in luck. Stay tuned for Part IV of our series, How to Spot a Gold Digger - Avoidance.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part II of IV - The Initial Meeting

www.ApproachDynamics.com

This is the second part of a four-part series.
Click here for ‘How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part I of IV- Introduction'
********
You would think that gold diggers would have some sort of expertise in covering their tracks, but surprisingly, many of these women OVERTLY flash their true intentions - all you have to do is listen! In most cases, you can weed these women out right from the get-go and move on to friendlier waters. Here's what to look out for when you first encounter one of these women:

Online:

In the online dating world, Match.com and Chemistry.com make it REAL easy. Check and see if she has money or power listed as one of her 'turn-ons' and if she has any 'salary requirements' for her date. If either one of these pop up, RUN for the nearest exit.

On Jdate, look at her personality traits and see if ‘high-maintenance’ is checked off. You would be surprised how many women have this listed (well, then again...). Also, check her written paragraph about her ‘ideal first date.’ If she is talking about nice restaurants and fine wine rather than getting to know you better, you’ve got yourself a problem child. Finally, look at her blurb on what she learned from her past relationships. A lot of times they’ll give up some REAL good info in there (this is also a good section on Jdate for weeding out psychos!).

Now for ‘research purposes only', I contacted some women on Match and Jdate who met the above criteria to try and find out what gives. Here is a sampling of what they wrote back:

"No, I am not rich and the father of my children does not sit at home either it is as simple as that."

"You seem rather hostile... what is with that opening email? Intersting game plan...."


Don't even bother trying to bust on these women - they can't take a joke. Just move on.

In Person:

Now with real-life interactions, you have to pay a little closer attention. When you first met her, how long did it take for the ‘what do you do?’ question to come out of her mouth? And how did she react when you told her that you were the sour cream manager at Wendys or a miniature golf caddy? Did she laugh and change the subject, or did she seem annoyed and ask you again?

Also, was she asking you questions in an attempt to genuinely get to know you better, or was she trying to qualify you with inappropriate questions from the moment you began talking to her (i.e. ‘what do you do’, ‘how much money do you make’, ‘what kind of car do you drive’, ‘what do your parents do’, ‘do you own or rent’)?

Case in point. There was a girl I was corresponding with on match.com that kept asking me what I did for a living. Each time she would ask, my responses got more and more outrageous. I should also note here that her emails otherwise seemed witty and playful. However, when I asked for her number, here was her response:

"My cell number is 917-XXX-XXXX. But I still don't know what you do. I can tolerate most jobs but if yours is rather scatalogical or bodily function involved-ok a man with a bedpan in certain situations could be attractive-our future tryst might not work."

One thing you are going to have to do is have a pre-planned, smartass answer for any inappropriate questions IN ADVANCE. Sometimes women will ask an inappropriate question innocently, so being a wiseass here is a good test to see what her true intentions are. Stay tuned for Part IV of this series where I'll give you some examples of how to respond to these questions.

Now if she is REALLY being a pain in the ass, I’ll tell her that I am looking for a sugar momma to take care of me so that I can be a house husband. And after I get bored of watching Oprah and the Price is Right, I am going to divorce her and take half her money. Then I get a good laugh at her reaction and WALK AWAY.

Coming tomorrow, 'How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part III - The First Date and Beyond'

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part I of IV - Introduction

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Regardless of the type of person you are seeking in the dating world, I think we can all agree that no one wants to be taken advantage of. We would all like to believe that our significant other is with us because they genuinely care about us, and NOT because of some ulterior motive. And with the increasing popularity of online dating as well as an increase in ‘street approaches’, a lot of connections are being made between complete strangers that have no way of checking each other’s ‘social references’. After all, Google only goes so far.

As such, the onus has fallen upon ourselves to screen for the wrong types of people, so we don’t end up wasting our time, money and (most importantly) our emotional energy with someone that is not right for us. As the old saying goes, ‘it’s a jungle out there’, and we need to know how to spot the red flags before it is too late.

It is our mission at Approach Dynamics to not only help you present yourself in your best light, but also to provide you with the tools and wisdom that will enable you to find the RIGHT person for you. Unfortunately, not everyone in the dating pool has honorable intentions, and perhaps the most notorious offender is the gold digger.

Also called the ‘status conscious woman,’ the gold digger is seeking money. YOUR money. And she is going to do everything in her power to get it. These women walk around with the attitude that they are somehow entitled to a piece of everything you own. Depending on their agendas, the gold digger is usually seeking either a sugar daddy to take care of her or a man who can provide her with quick and easy access to wealth and power. In exchange, whatever ‘affection’ you receive from her will come from a mindset of 'financial obligation' rather than genuineness. But if your bank account dries up or you get passed over for partner at your law firm, she will drop you in a heartbeat and move on to the next turkey.

And yet, for some reason, these women are celebrated by society and the popular media. One need only look at Anna Nicole Smith, Heather Mills and Eva Longoria’s character on Desperate Housewives for examples. And while men can be gold diggers as well (Kevin Federline and Tom Arnold come to mind), it is much more common for a man to fall prey to a female gold digger than vice-versa.

Now I hate to say it, but a lot of guys bring these situations upon themselves. If you are bragging about your job as a bond trader and your brand new Mercedes, this is the kind of woman you are going to attract. But if these are the types of women you are looking for (and you have a bank account large enough to sustain one of them), then more power to you!

However, if you think you can buy a woman's attention with lavish dinners and free vacations, you are GROSSLY mistaken. And after you get your obligatory peck on the cheek or brief makeout for dropping a small fortune on her, she exits your car and pays a visit to 'that guy Mike' she was complaining to you about at dinner. Mike, by the way, never buys her ANYTHING...

There is also another group of women (often from wealthy backgrounds and/or successful in their own right) that will only date a doctor, lawyer, etc., but I would not necessarily categorize as ‘gold diggers’. Rather, these women tend to be ‘program women’ (a.k.a. the ‘drill sergeant’ or the ‘control freak’) that are trying to play out that fairy tale they have had in their minds about how their perfect lives are going to turn out. These women tend to be the daughters of gold digger moms, and they will nag and browbeat you to death if you do ANYTHING that could possibly embarrass them in front of others (i.e. change your profession or wear last season’s clothes in public). These shallow, insecure women are to be avoided as well, and many of the traits I will be describing in Parts II and III of this series will also apply to them.

Now let’s be clear. If you are 30, still live at home and you work for your father selling porno DVDs out of your basement, you are going to have a hard time meeting decent women. And frankly, I’d be a bit weary of any self-respecting woman that would actually go for you. Ambition is a positive male trait, and is something that ALL women look for in a man. I wouldn't take it personally if she is testing you to see if you have your act together - this is ok, and in fact, should be expected. Just make sure she is doing it for the right reasons.

There is also nothing wrong with a woman dating a man that earns a good living - provided, of course, that this is not the sole reason she is with him. I think the big test is when someone asks her about you, does she talk about you as a PERSON, or does she mention that necklace you bought her or that you are taking her to Café des Artistes this weekend.

Furthermore, if you are in a committed, serious relationship with a woman that has shown you that she is genuinely into you, you SHOULD be taking her out and treating her well. What we are talking about here are those women that feel as if they are somehow automatically ‘entitled’ to fancy gifts and expensive dinners from someone they either barely know or have no actual interest in. I think the law has a term for women who trade physical and/or emotional companionship in exchange for money or other considerations, but I can’t seem to think of it right now...

Coming tomorrow: How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part II - The Initial Meeting

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Monday, May 28, 2007

Being a Smartass: How to Respond When She Says, 'I Love You'

www.ApproachDynamics.com

I think I'll let Han Solo tell you...

And by the way, this response works for any type of complement a woman gives you (i.e. 'you're funny', 'you're cute', 'you ROCK').



Star Wars video courtesy of YouTube

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Some Interesting Date Spots

As summer approaches, we thought we would share a couple of our interesting date ideas. Whether it's a first date (but NOT a first meeting!) or someone you have been seeing for a while, these spots are likely to score you some creativity points. It can be our little secret...

Take her to the zoo:

Yeah, I can hear you all quoting that line from Rocky, but I can assure you that those of us with average and above-average IQs also like the zoo. Rocky actually gives us a great tip for a date. The zoo is a great way to spend a few hours outside, seeing interesting sites together, sharing a snack, or riding around in something like a monorail or skyfari.

Here in the New York metropolitan area, we have the Bronx Zoo (one of the greatest zoos in the country) and some smaller zoos like the one in Central Park. A couple of key places to stop off at the Bronx Zoo include: the Skyfari (sneak a kiss or 2 from above the tree tops... where is she gonna go? ;), the Butterfly Garden (don't ask, but women love it), the gorilla exhibit where you can be amazed at the majesty and beauty of our simian friends (or just watch them pick their many orifices), or you can regress to childhood while having fun on the Bug Carousel. Also, if you plan on going to these zoos more than once (once you learn your way around you can play 'tour guide' on future dates!), consider becoming a member - it will save you money and it's a good cause!

Rollin on the River:

Another great idea is to go kayaking. Here’s what you do. Put together a little picnic basket and grab a couple of kayaks (if you opt for the tandem kayak, you can spank her for not paddling fast enough!) Get there early enough so you can spend more time on the river. About halfway down, pull off to the side and go for a swim before having some lunch. Also, feel free to splash at will - it’s all good! This is a fun, relaxing way to spend the day, and a REAL nice change of pace for us city dwellers.

For those of you in the NY/NJ/PA area, there is a great spot on the Delaware River right by the Water Gap. There is a company there called Adventure Sports that rents kayaks, canoes and rafts for trips ranging from a few hours to a few days. The staff is real friendly, the prices are reasonable and it's real easy to get to (less than 90 minutes from NYC, right off of Route 80 at the New Jersey/Pennsylvania border). And you can drink on the river!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Online Dating Horror Story - Darren From JDate

www.ApproachDynamics.com

No online dating blog would be complete without the story of Darren. As you may recall, Darren is the infamous jackass from JDate who harassed his poor date with emails and repeated answering machine messages in an attempt to have her contribute 50 bucks towards their restaurant bill. Apparently he thought this was fair compensation because she said she would see him again but never did. I wonder why.

There have been some rumors that this may be a hoax, but no matter - its fucking funny anyhow! Make sure you listen to the audio in order.

And seriously guys, if a woman wont go out with you again, just move on. Be a man.

Here's the link:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2006/07/he_wants_his_50.html



Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Friday, May 25, 2007

Online Dating: Beware of Long Distance Relationships

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Mr. Stone,

i just started talking to a girl from atlanta i met online. things are going really well and she keep telling me that she cant wait to meet me, etc. We get along really well and speak on the phone like every night for hours sometimes. Only problem is that i live in seattle. What should i do?

j.d. from seattle

********MY COMMENTS********

As I sit here writing this, a guy I work with is on a plane to Vegas to meet some girl from California he found online. Despite our pleading with him not to do it, he went anyway. I’ll tell ya - some guys just don’t WANT to be helped. DON'T be one of those guys.

So here’s the scoop on internet long-distance relationships:

Unless you are planning to move to that city (or vice versa), there is ABSOLUTELY no good that can come out of this type of arrangement, REGARDLESS of the outcome.

Let’s say, hypothetically, you meet this girl and things work out well. Now what? Are you going to hop a plane and go cross-country every two weeks? Is she going to do the same? The distance will undoubtedly put a strain on your ‘relationship’ and will prevent you from seeking opportunities with women in your area that you actually have a fighting chance with. Are there no good women left in the Pacific Northwest? Relationships are hard enough as it is. Why make it any more difficult?

As I have said before, NOTHING counts with someone you met online until you actually meet in person. What you basically have now is a 'phone buddy' - one that you could wind up being extremely disappointed with when you actually meet. This is an ENORMOUS risk of time, energy and money for a first meeting.

Now, I know. These situations can seem REAL tempting sometimes. Here's a girl that FINALLY gets me, blah blah blah. Then you add the mystery and adventure of a faraway city to the mix, and it is easy to see how someone can get drawn right in.

Case in point. Here is an email I received from a cute girl in Arizona:

I found your profile very interesting, and if I lived in New York I would sweep you off your feet! If your profile does not catch "the right womans eyes" then you need to come out West where ladies know how to treat a man.

Sincerely,

XXX (a hopeless romantic nurse)

I especially liked the nurse part, but I also realized nothing would ever come of this. DON'T let yourself get caught up in this fantasy. Make a decision as to how far you would be willing to travel to meet someone, and then stick to it.

Good luck, mate!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Being a Smartass: Some Great Lines

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Following up on our previous posts 'Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions' and 'The Beer Trick', here is a 2-part video by Will of www.youaresoinmyway.com. Will is a gentleman I have had the pleasure of meeting on several occasions, and one of the few people I can credit with being at my level in the smartass department. So take out a pen and paper and enjoy - there is some GREAT material in here that you can start using IMMEDIATELY.

And by the way, if you don't recognize that guy on the far right side of the screen when they show the audience, you REALLY need to join us for some live approaches ;)


Here's part 2:


Videos taken from David Deangelo's 'Cocky Comedy'. Courtesy of YouTube.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Online Dating: Deal or No Deal?

www.ApproachDynamics.com

One of the unfortunate side effects of online dating is that with so many people to choose from, a lot of us have developed the mentality that there is always something (or someone) better just around the corner. This inevitably leads to people making quick (and often incorrect) decisions about a person they just met, and not giving things enough of a chance to develop. After all, how can you when you work ten hour days and still have 3 more dates lined up for the week? I am just as guilty as the next guy.

But something I saw on tv last night made me realize that sometimes we need to take a step backwards and look at what we have in front of us. For the most part, I have managed to keep myself away from that highly addictive drug known as reality television. However, NBC’s Deal or No Deal somehow managed to make it past my force field.

Last night’s contestant was Wesley Autrey - he’s the guy who jumped onto the subway tracks in New York to save someone that had fallen off the platform after suffering a seizure. As you may recall, Autrey was able to pin the other guy’s body down in a drainage trench between the tracks, while two subway cars passed directly over them. Miraculously, both of them escaped unharmed.

The basic premise of the show is this - there are 26 cases, each with a different dollar amount ranging from 1 cent to 1 million dollars. The contestant then picks a suitcase and begins opening the other ones to eliminate those amounts from the board. Various offers are then made to the contestant based on the dollar amounts that remain on the board. Obviously, the higher the dollar amounts left on the board, the better the offers.

In the end, there were three cases left. The million dollar case, and 2 worthless ones. The offer was $305,000.00 - an OBSCENE amount of money for someone only making 1200 bucks a week.

Now this one is a no-brainer. You take the money - ESPECIALLY since there is no safety net if something bad happens. Unfortunately, greed got the best of him and he turned down the offer. Sure enough, the next case opened had the million and he wound up going home with 25 bucks. Hero or not (and regardless of the eventual outcome), it was a foolish move to turn down that offer.

So what can we learn from this? If you meet someone that you think you like, give them a chance and see what happens rather than dismissing them prematurely. Do not get caught up in the ‘what if’ game and pass up a potentially good opportunity because of the illusion of some million dollar pipe dream. As the old saying goes, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Only you could end up with something else in your hand...

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Approaching Women in a Loud Envirornment

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Stephen,

I was at a small pub recently and there was a live band playing. About 10 minutes in, I spotted this really hot chick. We made eye contact, smiled at each other, clanked our beer glasses and started chatting. Unfortunately that's where it all went downhill. I was having a really hard time hearing anything she was saying. This was also the kind of place where there was no quiet area I could take her to. Eventually the conversation just fizzled out and we went back to our friends. Is there a better way to approach this kind of situation next time?

Lee
Ithaca, NY

********MY COMMENTS********

Some locations are just not conducive to conversation and approaching, and small bars with live bands playing are real tough. There are a couple of different ways to play this. First, there is ALWAYS a quiet or quieter area. Say to her, "Hey! Let's go somewhere a little more quiet," and search together. If she digs you, she'll probably enjoy the adventure! Also by moving to another spot with her, you have now (psychologically speaking) 'gone someplace with her' and she will feel more comfortable with you. Try it next time you meet a woman at a bar. You will be happy with the results.

You could also exit the conversation (hopefully leaving her wanting more) and then meet up again at an intermission. After all, the band is not going to be playing ALL night, and if this is a small place, you should bump into her again. So bide your time, my friend.

But it seems like the bigger issue was your lack of something to talk about. So work on your conversational skills, and give it another shot. Remember, each encounter is practice for the next one!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Monday, May 21, 2007

Approaching Women - The Art of Peacocking

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Since our post on Family Guy, we have had a number of requests for more information on peacocking. So here ya go...

In his book, ‘The Game,’ author Neil Strauss (a.k.a. ‘Style’) defines peacocking as follows:

to dress in loud clothing or with flashy accoutrements in order to get attention from women. Peacocking items include bright shiny shirts, light-up jewelry, feather boas, colorful cowboy hats, or anything that makes one stand out in a crowd.”

There have been some great examples of peacocking in pop culture. One need only look at American Idol to see how a no-talent assclown named Sanjaya was able to advance far into the competition by standing out from the crowd (see above).

Even something as simple as a “loud” shirt, a funky hat or a flashy belt buckle (which brings attention to your crotch!) can do the trick. I came across peacocking by accident one night when I showed up at a college sports bar in a full tuxedo. Worked very well. I personally like a nice standout t-shirt (my favorite is a black one with Nosferatu on it) and a retro sports jacket. This frequently gets attention and has led to COUNTLESS conversations and possibilities.

Even if you go TOTALLY out there - pink boa, feathered hat, pimp-daddy style, you will get a reaction which could lead to opportunities. Take Michael Richards (a.k.a. Cosmo Kramer) from his pre-Laugh Factory days for instance...










Kramer clip from Seinfeld courtesy of YouTube

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Sunday, May 20, 2007

The Art of Listening - Are All Women 'Bionic'?

www.ApproachDynamics.com


I have been listening to all the buzz about the NBC remake of "Bionic Woman," starring Michelle Ryan. It had me thinking - ALL women are really "bionic" - at least in terms of hearing! They hear EVERYTHING. Take my advice and be careful what you say around women, because it CAN and WILL be used against you...

Then again, I suppose women DO have a legitimate gripe when it comes to us men, as guys tend to have the OPPOSITE problem - that of "selective hearing." We only hear what we want!

So here is some advice - when talking to women, don't forget to LISTEN as well. Here is an article from askmen.com with an interesting look at the topic as it applies to relationships in general:


Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Family Guy: What Can We Learn From Quagmire?

www.ApproachDynamics.com

As I was watching an episode of Family Guy, I thought about what the show could teach us about dating, relationships and "approach".

1. Even someone like Quagmire can get a girl! Giggidy Giggidy! Everyone's goal is different (date as many people as possible, find a special someone, have multiple long term relationships, get married, etc.). The first question you need to ask yourself with regard to women and dating is, "What exactly am I looking for?" After all, if you are looking to buy a Mercedes, you are NOT going to walk into a Ford dealership. Once you are clear with yourself as to what you want, you will have a MUCH easier time meeting the kind of women you are seeking. Trust me - whatever your objective may be, there are women out there that will go along with it.

2. Another thanks to Glenn Quagmire - the art of "Peacocking" (wearing something to make yourself stand out with the intention of attracting the opposite sex). Dressing to attract attention works! Case in point - red Hawaiian shirt with yellow flowers and his light blue tuxedo!





Video courtesy of Metacafe

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Friday, May 18, 2007

Ten Tips For Approaching Women

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Here's one to print up and carry around with you. Read this until you have internalized it.

Ten Tips For Approaching Women

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Video: Can I Have Your Number?

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Here’s a little clip from MADtv that we came across on YouTube:


Although the guy is a total dumbass and should not be modeled by ANYONE, you still have to give him props for his courage to initially approach and for his persistence. That being said, DO NOT hang in there if it is clear that the woman you are talking to is a lost cause.

This video is also a good example of female body language when encountered with some creepy guy. When approaching women, if the girl you are talking to looks anything like THAT, you are doing something SERIOUSLY wrong and need to contact us immediately.

Finally, notice how the girl responds to the guy’s repeated requests for her number with every answer under the sun other than the actual word NO. For some reason, women have a really difficult time saying NO to a guy, no matter what the situation is. You need to recognize that when you ask for a woman’s number (whether online or in person), any response other than the actual digits themselves is girl code for the word NO.

While there are times you can bust on a woman’s response to your request for her number (which I will address in a future article), this is NOT one of them. Just move on.

Enjoy!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Your Online Dating Profile: Avoid Cliches

www.ApproachDynamics.com

There is no faster way to have your online dating profile laughed at and ignored then by using meaningless and/or overused phrases. I think this is the one area where both men and women are EQUALLY guilty. But as online dating continues to evolve, not only is the USE of these phrases subject to ridicule, making fun of them in your profile has also become a cliche of its own. Unless of course you do it creatively. Case in point:

********
It has been brought to my attention that there are a number of women using online dating to lure poor, unsuspecting men with false claims of enjoying things like beer, sports and Comedy Central. This is apparently part of a more elaborate scheme by these women to further their romantic agendas of sunsets, candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach.

A woman I recently met online brought this all to light. What initially attracted me to her profile was her claim that she enjoyed going out as much as she liked staying in. She also told me that not only is she as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as she is in a cocktail dress and heels, but she is also tired of the bar scene. A rare bird indeed!

However, what I discovered was quite troubling. Not only was she unable to name even three members of the Mets, but she also complained that her heels were making her feet hurt. After much arm twisting, she FINALLY admitted that she did not come up with any of those things on her own as I had thought, but had actually taken them from another woman’s profile! Blasphemy!

Needless to say, I am astounded. After all, us guys really DO work hard and play hard, have the best friends in the world and are genuinely looking for a ‘partner-n-crime’. And if you don't believe us, just look at our profiles - it's in just about EVERY one of them!


So ladies, be forewarned. We are on to you ;)
********
So what to do? Again, you have to think OUTSIDE the box. Dont just SAY you are close with your friends and family (who isn't?), SHOW it. Talk about how you set up the party for your grandmother's 80th birthday, or subtly mention that speech you gave at your friend's wedding.

Once you have that down, you NOW have license to start busting on people with cliche-ridden profiles! As always, I'll get you started:

"Hey, I really like what you had to say about enjoying both going out and staying in. Me too! We must be soulmates..."

"Thought you might want to know - there is another woman on [insert dating site here] using your line about 'looking for a normal guy.' I realize that probably took you a long time to come up with, and I don't think it's right that someone else should just swoop in and steal it from you. I think you should report her for copyright infringement. And by the way, what exactly do you consider to be 'normal?'"

If she is a good sport about it, she will acknowledge that she has the same profile as everyone else, but that "it's so hard to write something about yourself... blah blah blah."

If she gets annoyed or offended, dont worry about that either. Most people with nothing of substance in their profiles don't have much of a personality anyway. It's not YOUR problem - it's HERS.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Approaching Women - The Use of Movie Quotes

www.ApproachDynamics.com

I was talking to a group of girls this weekend and they were complaining about a couple of guys that had come over to talk with them. The complaint? All they did was quote movies and hi-five each other. When hanging with the boys, we ALL do it (think Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, Goodfellas, Swingers, Wedding Crashers, 40 Year Old Virgin, Coming to America, etc.). I can't explain why, but we all do it!

When walking up to a woman or a group of women, RESIST the temptation to play the quote game (going back and forth with a buddy) - at least right away. ;) Here is a cool link I found with "Five Movie Quotes That Must Be Stopped." I can think of a few more that are WAY overplayed, but this is a good start.

-Stephen

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On the other hand, dropping an occasional movie quote (or song lyric) at JUST the right moment can be a nice touch. The way I see it, it's a win-win-win situation. If she has seen the movie, you get creative points for coming up with the right line at the right time. If she hasn't seen the movie, she may think you are being witty. Finally, if she just doesn't get it, then you can bust on her for being socially inept!

That being said, however, overuse of quotes (or doing it with your guy friends in front of her) WILL make you look like a jackass. When was the last time you heard a woman quote movies? It's just not in their nature. So think of it as a SPICE, rather than the main course. Too much and you will spoil the 'meal.' Ya dig?

-Alexander

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Monday, May 14, 2007

A 'Scientific Approach' to Dating

www.ApproachDynamics.com

I am happy to report that we have finally answered that question of yours from high school science class about how this (insert expletive here) is going to help you in real life. Here ya go...

The Scientific Method & Dating:

1. The Problem(s):
How do I find a date?
How do I find a girlfriend or boyfriend?
How do I find a partner?
How do I find a significant other?
How do I find a husband or wife?
How do I meet new people?

2. The Hypothesis:
I'll go out to bars and clubs (why is it that most people limit themselves to these two places? think outside the box!), ask friends to introduce me to other people or get an online dating membership.

3. Materials and Methods:
Ask pre-existing friends to help you out by introducing you to other people they know. Go to local hot spots or even keep your eyes open while going through the normal menutia of everyday life (i.e. smile and say hello to people while food shopping, browsing the bookstore or waiting on line at the bank). Get an online dating account with match, jdate, chemistry or any of the other dating sites out there. Decide what you are looking for.

4. Experiment:
Go out and have conversations with people and see what happens. Write your profile, email people, and set up some first meetings. Don't be a 'keyboard jockey' that just sits around looking at profiles. Let loose and have some fun.

5. Results:
Every date is practice for the next. What did I learn from the experience? Where can I improve next time? What were the positives and negatives? Alas, this starts getting easier!

6. Conclusion:
Do you have an interest in any of these people? Where do you see things heading? If it's a go, move on to the next step. If not? Wash. Rinse. Repeat cycle.

It's great when things flow neatly like this, but as we all know life isn't always linear - it often branches into many directions forming a complex web. Try and keep things as simple as possible and it will make life a lot simpler. Happy dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Friday, May 11, 2007

Online Dating - How to Handle the 'Wink'

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Sometimes also called a ‘tease’ or a ‘flirt,’ the wink is a quick, easy way to let someone know that you like their profile and want to connect with them. This article covers two aspects of the wink - when to send them (and NOT send them) and how to respond to a wink.

First off, winks are there so that WOMEN can contact MEN they are potentially interested in. Guys should NOT be using them to contact women - it shows laziness, a lack of creativity and that you have absolutely no balls.

I once sent a wink to a woman on Match.com, and she responded with a wink of her own. Lesson learned. Suck it up and send an email. To that effect, I would also suggest that women consider not sending them either. My usual reaction when I get a wink is to wonder how many other guys she sent one to - which brings me to my next point.

Responding to a wink is easy. Two sentences:
********
XXX,

Thanks for the wink.

Looking forward to your email...

-A
********

Trust me. If she is truly interested in you, she will write you back. My success rate when sending that response to a wink is well over 90%. I also like to just give my first initial in that response - let her write me first before she gets my name!

Good luck.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Being a Smartass: ‘The Beer Trick’

www.ApproachDynamics.com
Editor's note - Special thanks to Nicole for teaching me this one

Here’s a great way to have some fun with someone you are out with. All you need is a flat surface, a full glass of beer (or any other kind of drink) and someone to try it on.

"Hey, I’m gonna show you this really cool trick!" Of course she is going to want to know what it is. If you REALLY want to push it, follow that up with something like, "You know what, never mind. I don’t think you can handle this one." Let her try to convince you she wants to see it.

"Ok. Take the index fingers on both of your hands and lay them flat on the table next to each other."

Once she does that, REST THE DRINK ON TOP OF HER FINGERS, essentially trapping her at the table (and preventing her from being able to pick up the glass!). Then say, "Hey I gotta go hit the men’s room. Be back in a few." Then get up as if you are leaving the table! Don’t actually go though - that’s not cool.

See how she reacts. Always good fun!

It’s also a good way to see how she deals with that kind of situation. I once had a girl get really pissed and throw the glass on the floor. Turned out she had some anger management issues, which she admitted to me afterwards. But notwithstanding the occasional weirdo, most women are good sports about it.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Going For the First Kiss

www.ApproachDynamics.com

We’ve all been there...

You meet a girl you like, get her phone number, chat for a little bit and then ask her out on a date. Then date night comes and you have a great time - and you are pretty sure she does too. She touches you several times, laughs at your jokes, ignores her cell phone and seems genuinely interested in getting to know you. As the date winds up, you are faced with that dreaded internal question of whether or not you should go for the kiss.

GO FOR IT!

Here is the rule. If you are interested in the woman you are out with, always go for the kiss at the end of the FIRST DATE. If it is a girl you met online, kiss her the SECOND time you are out (remember, the ‘first meeting’ with someone you met online is not the first ‘date’ - it is solely for the purpose of getting to know each other and deciding whether you want to see them again). Even if you can’t get a read on her interest level, go for it anyway - you have NOTHING to lose.

Now I am NOT saying that you should necessarily go for a full-scale makeout on a first date (but if you can, great!). Just give her a kiss on the lips and see how she handles it. If she kisses you back, awesome! Take her out again (and remember to keep escalating on future dates).

If she turns her head or says something lame like ‘I don’t kiss on the first date,’ throw her number away. Think back to your previous dates - did any of the ones that worked out have any problem kissing you early on? Didn’t think so.

Going for the kiss early on allows you to find out right off the bat if she is interested in you. You are also weeding out those women that are not interested in you as well as the ‘professional daters’ (who are only out with you because they enjoy the free food and entertainment men provide, but have no actual interest in the guys they date). For you economists out there, think of it as a ‘cost-effectiveness tool.’

You are also making a bold, confident move by kissing her. Not only does this raise your social value in her eyes, but it also separates you from the scores of other chodes that lacked the cojones to go for it.

Finally, it keeps you out of the dreaded ‘friend zone.’ You need to ignore that ‘chump’ voice in your head that keeps telling you that ‘this one is special, and if you try to kiss her and she rejects you, you will have screwed the whole thing up.’ If you don’t kiss her early on, she is going to start to wonder what is going on, and will start to lose attraction for you.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Monday, May 7, 2007

The First Phone Call: Do I Leave a Message?

www.ApproachDynamics.com

I met some girl online and got her number after a few emails. I tried calling her 2 days later and left her a voicemail. It’s been five days and I havent heard back from her. What is the best way for me to handle this? Also, was it a mistake to leave a message on her machine?

Roger
Chicago, IL

********MY COMMENTS********

Ah, the age old question - do I leave a message the first time I call her?

There is a school of thought out there that says not to leave a message. This way you still have the ‘power’ and can try her again another time. I suppose that prior to caller ID (and answering machines for that matter), a guy with enough free time on his hands could just keep calling until he got her. Sounds charming, eh? Leave a message. If you have done everything right up until this point, she should have no problem calling you back.

Also, don’t be too cute when you leave a message. Just leave your name, number and say a quick hello. DO NOT say you are ‘Tim from Match.com’. If she doesn’t know who you are, you have bigger problems than ‘should I leave a message.’ If you want, you can say you are ‘on your way out to meet some friends,’ but don’t go too much further than that.

As for your situation, there could be a million reasons why she hasnt called you back (90% of which have NOTHING to do with you) - so don’t worry about the ‘why.’ Its been five days. You can call her again (just don’t leave a message this time!).

Or you can go the smartass route (always my favorite option). Drop her a quick email saying something along the lines of, "Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to start playing hard to get until AFTER we met. Nice!" If she has any interest in meeting you, she’ll either call you back or write you and apologize for being flaky (which of course you can bust on her for!).

Remember, online dating is a 'numbers game', and you should be in contact with several women at a time so that you don’t find yourself getting too caught up about one in particular.

Alexander Stone and Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Online Dating - The First Email: Don't Be a Jackass

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Guys... here are some examples of what NOT to do when sending a first email (as sent to us by their unfortunate recipients - thanks ladies!). If any of your opening messages sound even remotely close to these, you need to contact us IMMEDIATELY.

If any of y'all have more examples of disastrous emails, send em along!

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My name is XXX and i'm from manhattan, i'm real sua - ve, but no, i'm not latin, you look cute and nice so give me some adivce; how do i contact you...so i can bring you some rice, ...and beans, not jeans, no, cause they're too expensive, deisel, seven, yo, that stuff is junk, gimmie some carhartt, i ain't no punk...cause i was born here! word.

********
Just want to say hi my name is XXX I am a director of photography / editor in New York City, I would like to thank you for helping me to finally understand what the expression breath taken really means? YOU!!!!! This is not a line that is exactly what I felt when I saw your picture. I do not know how to sale myself or how to play this on line dating thing nor I care to learn how to do it because I am not into playing games, in business I have an agent and a manager to sale me with you all I know I would love to meet you and through my actions let you know the kind of person I am. It will be honor to have the opportunity get to know you... XXX

********
After 10 years bouncing between Boston and DC for school, jobs, gradschool, etc, I was summoned – like Batman seeing the bat-signal in thesky - to undertake a revolutionary adventure I couldn't refuse -rebuilding a government from the ground up….here on Long Island.

But it's odd to be suddenly thrust into suburbia - hence my foray into jdate - and frequent cathartic trips to the city. It's gorgeous whereI live though - Port Jefferson, on the harbor – and very much lookingforward to summer in the Hamptons and on Fire Island.

You should know that I think it's important to have a good time, andeven do absurdly silly things, especially while you're changing theworld. And to help along the way, I have a crazy puppy-like Siamesecat who wears a Jets helmet and a cape.

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Online Dating - Things That Make You Go Hmm

www.ApproachDynamics.com

**EDITOR’S NOTE - This is a revision of a previous draft of this article, which I have updated after it was brought to my attention that there was some confusion regarding my position on this issue. -AS

Here is a woman’s profile I happened to stumble across. Read this one closely - there’s a LOT going on here.

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The art of online dating involves honing conversational and social skills within a very grey area, but there are ways to make the person you are dating, believe the words from your mouth are sweet like honey. "Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours." And he was right.

The secret to having a man's undivided attention is to ask him open-ended questions about his interests, and then seem completely fascinated by what he tells you. Ask him questions about what he tells you; do not merely sit there with nothing to contribute. A good conversationalist would also ask you questions about yourself as well, as he'll want to get to know you better. And even though you may feel so comfortable with someone you met online, certain topics remain taboo. These include your ex-boyfriends, health problems and daily grind. Try to keep the conversation flowing, stroking his ego and maintaining your air of mysticism. He'll be hanging at your every word.
********
Yes, this is an ACTUAL profile (copied, in its entirety, word for word).

Although she does hit on some of the basics for keeping a conversation going with someone you just met (asking open-ended questions, following up on topics he/she brings up, asking questions about your date, and avoiding topics such as exes, health problems and so on), she does so in a grossly misguided way. Some of these skills (channeled properly) are covered in our article on The First Meeting.

Needless to say, the author of this profile is an example of someone you want to stay far, far away from. It amazes me that someone would put their name (and picture!) alongside this profile in their search for a date, but at least it reminds the rest of us that there are some weirdos out there (both male and female), and we need to be alert so that we can avoid wasting our time, money and emotional energy with someone that is not right for us.

Alexander Stone and Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge