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THE PROCESS: HOW TO GO FROM A FIRST CONTACT WITH A WOMAN TO AN IN-PERSON FIRST MEETING






Thursday, January 1, 2009

Are women that only have head-shots in their online dating profiles hiding something big?

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Alexander and Stephen,

I have been talking with this girl I met online for a little while, and we are just about at that point where it is time to meet. She is definitely a nice girl, and she seems to have a great personality (and I can tell she is definitely into me!). However, I am a bit concerned about how she is going to look. Her dating profile has three pictures, but they only show her face (there is one which would be a full body shot, but she is standing behind three of her friends). Also, she described her body type as ‘Average/Medium Build.’ Without sounding insensitive, I don’t want to waste my time meeting her if she is overweight. Do I have a valid reason to be concerned? Thanks guys, and keep up the great work!

Stan

********OUR COMMENTS********

Yes.

Your little vixen is probably not so little after all. In fact, my guess is that you would not have taken the time to write us if you didn’t already know this. But read on, grasshopper…

At the outset, I should point out that I have nothing against women that may find themselves, let's just say, 'a bit out of shape.' My issue here is with those that choose to conceal that fact (i.e. by including only head shots, standing in front of a tractor, etc.), and do so to the point where their well-meaning date arrives at their First Meeting only to discover that they have been misled as to the other person's physical appearance. And yes, guys are just as guilty of this as women - and deserve the same level of admonishment.

Anyone who has ever tried online dating has been burned by this at some point. The biggest complaint I usually get from women is that guys don’t look like their pictures (i.e. their profile pictures were taken several years earlier or when they were 30 pounds lighter or when they had a full head of hair). If you are a guy and you have any of these kind of photos in your profile, shame on you! Remove them IMMEDIATELY.

But the biggest complaint I get from guys, Stan, is about the girl that only has face-shots in her profile, and then shows up for a First Meeting needing a second chair (for herself). Hey Beavis, I said face-shots… hehehehhe.

If any of you guys have ever wondered WHY a woman would only include head shots in her profile, I have your answer. Check out the 1990 Wilson Phillips video, ‘Impulsive.’ My favorite thing about this video is how BLATANT the directors were in trying to conceal the ‘festive plumpness’ of Ms. Carnie Wilson.



Just remember the images from this video the next time you are on Match.com or JDate and see some girl standing behind a grand piano, nine of her closest friends or a medium-sized sports arena – do that, and you’ll never have to worry about running into this type of problem again.

Women are FAR more in tune to issues regarding physical appearance than most men. So rest assured, if she is concealing most of her body in a photo she is featuring on an online dating site, there is probably a good reason for it. If you ever find yourself wondering about someone based upon her lack of a full-body picture, it is a safe bet that you may be on to something.

But if you really MUST get an answer before deciding whether to meet her, you can always shoot her an email along the lines of, “the last time I agreed to meet someone online that only had pictures of her head, she turned out to just be a talking head! [which probably explains why she wasn’t down for my offer to go ice skating] Can you please send me some full-body shots so I can verify that you have all your extremities before we meet?” But again, I would only do this as an absolute LAST resort.

One final way to confirm your suspicions is to check the ‘body type’ description on her profile. Here is some girl code for what her answers actually mean:

Voluptuous = Overweight

Proportional = NOT proportional = Overweight

Cuddly = Overweight

Average/Medium Build = Overweight, UNLESS her pictures clearly suggest otherwise. In which case she actually SCORES points for being modest.

Modelesque = High-maintenance headcase. Stay away.

Lean/Slender, Athletic/Fit, Petite = You should be ok here. In fact, any woman that selects one of these options without any legitimate basis for doing so is a FRAUD. Feel free to immediately cut off a meeting if you encounter this type of situation – this is a sign of much bigger (no pun intended) problems down the road.

Best of luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2009 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

15 comments:

MIke said...

Nice girl + great personality = OVERWEIGHT

Anonymous said...

thanks for finally doing a column on this. too many women are pulling this stuff.

Glen Quagmire said...

Fat chicks need love too. But they gotta PAY.

Mel said...

guys, you still need to use common sense. if a girl is clearly hiding something in her pics, you have no right to complain if she shows up overweight.

Glenda the Good Witch said...

Thanks for finally coming out and admitting that physical appearance is all you really care about. Way to be shallow! Guys, really, take a good look in the mirror. Most women take way better care of themselves than you do.

Anonymous said...

Rock on Glenda! You tell them! I am sure these guys are no charm to be talking about girls this way! Guys you really need to realize how shallow you are when you shouldn't be!

rick said...

great system these women have. obviously no guy wants to date a fat chick, and no one knows that better than fat chicks themselves. which is why they go through great lengths to conceal their appearance. so they stand behind a bus in their pics, call themselves 'petite' and then have their friends call the guy shallow when he gets annoyed that he has just been tricked. nice!

Alexander Stone said...

Ok, I think I need to jump in here. This column was NOT meant as a knock on women that are overweight. Rather, it was about people who materially misrepresent themselves in their dating profiles. Someone who hides their body in their pictures for the purpose of trying to get a guy to go out with them that would not have otherwise done so if he knew what she really looked like is a FRAUD - just as much so as a guy who has outdated pictures which show him with a full head of hair, when he is fact bald. And while I would not have necessarily been so blunt, I am going to have to agree with Rick here. This article is about helping guys identify some of the warning signs so they don't get tricked. Why is it perfectly ok for a woman to complain at length that guys don't look like their pictures (as they do all the time when I am out with them), but when a guy expresses his frustration after being duped in dating someone much heavier than he was led to believe, he is considered 'shallow'? Women have been getting away with this sort of thing for far too long, and I am a bit troubled that I am the first person to actually call them out on it. Bottom line? You are who you are, and if someone is not attracted to you for whatever reason, there is nothing you can do about it. It is foolish to think that someone is going to be able to overlook the fact that they are not attracted to you and fall madly in love - especially if you lied to them from the get-go. So if you don't like your physical appearance, do something about it. But don't deceive people into believing that you are something you are not - that's NOT cool.

Tiffany said...

While I agree with most of points articulated in the above comment by Alexander Stone, especially regarding attracting a mate who is right for you based on honesty, I do find fault. Although the author of the article clearly intended to discuss the traps of misrepresentation, the final comments nullified the author's objectivity. By stating that "You should be ok here" in reference to women who identify themselves as Lean/Slender, Athletic/Fit, Petite and indicating that men should "stay away" from those who claim to be modelesque, he exposed his personal prejudices towards different body types and personalities. The gentleman requesting advice appears to have higher consideration for women and greater tact than the author who uses words like vixen, often seen as derogatory, to describe a woman who has simply taken interest in a likable guy. I find it highly objectionable to state that women "have been getting away with this for far too long", when men have also been misrepresenting themselves for equal length. If you are going to maintain a blog that doles out dating advice, be responsible and prepared for the consequences when you are not kind. We all just want to find love and everyone is entitled to that, regardless of size.

A guy from NJ said...

Tiffany, I read what you said and gave it some thought. I think the article was well intentioned, but then the author put his opinions about appearance into the mix.

I got his point that misrepresetation is wrong. Guys do it as well, which others have pointed out (ie. old photos with hair that no longer exists, hiding weight, etc.). I don't see any problem with Alexander putting his own feelings out there. Even though I don't agree with them. I'm assuming Alex wrote it since he "stepped in". I'm curious what Stephen thinks about all this? Any comment?

Online Dating Review said...

I can only speak from personal experience...I have been using online dating sites now on and off for almost 5 years and whenever I see a girl that has only posted her head shot (and no body shots) I can only assume 1 of 2 things:

1. She is over weight and/or trying to hide it.
2. She has only taken one picture with a digital camera of herself in her entire lifetime, and this picture was only of her head, cropped in a weird angle.

My advice: Who cares what other people look like. Post all your pics and eventually you will find someone who like you for who you are !!

Anonymous said...

I wish that I would have read this before making the mistake of trusting a woman on a dating site to be honest with me. Her main picture is a head shot and the other ones are so small that you need to copy to your word document program to blow it up. (I did later after I had ques of weight deception between us) I even confronted her on it and she finally said she was 38 pounds overweight. I thought she was being honest, and I trusted her with how she was working on losing it. After failed attempts to have a video call (she told me how she was beautiful and could have any man she wanted. She did not want our relationship to be clouded by her looks at first) I finally, let the emotions run away and stepped into a online exclusive relationship with her. Finally, I was able to get her to have a video call with me... Wowza, the relationship with south from that moment... She was not only 38 pounds overweight... she was more like 100 pounds over weight. I ended the relationship and told her that the deception was not good. I felt trapped and lied too. She has stirred the dating site chat rooms up with her being a victim and has stirred up users by telling them that I am a player. After I backed out of relationship, she became very toxic like fatal attraction kind. I had to block her in every way possible to block her venomous communications as well.

All I can say is... Wow, I am new this this online dating stuff and did not see this one coming.... Yikes

Anonymous said...

If the person also picks smile/eyes as best feature, take it as a warning that overweightness should be expected.

Brad Pittler said...

Yeah, this happened to me recently. Spent three months chatting to a "normal" girl - got plenty of face shots and a wierd "leaning over" photo. Plenty of photos from years ago - no mention of being anything other than "I have weight to lose" just a week before meeting. She was about 225lbs...

Anonymous said...

Leykis 101 -nuff said ;)