Are women that only have head-shots in their online dating profiles hiding something big?

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, live workshops on approaching women and starting conversations as well as private coaching sessions, click here.

Alexander and Stephen,

I have been talking with this girl I met online for a little while, and we are just about at that point where it is time to meet. She is definitely a nice girl, and she seems to have a great personality (and I can tell she is definitely into me!). However, I am a bit concerned about how she is going to look. Her dating profile has three pictures, but they only show her face (there is one which would be a full body shot, but she is standing behind three of her friends). Also, she described her body type as ‘Average/Medium Build.’ Without sounding insensitive, I don’t want to waste my time meeting her if she is overweight. Do I have a valid reason to be concerned? Thanks guys, and keep up the great work!

Stan

********OUR COMMENTS********

Yes.

Your little vixen is probably not so little after all. In fact, my guess is that you would not have taken the time to write us if you didn’t already know this. But read on, grasshopper…

At the outset, I should point out that I have nothing against women that may find themselves, let's just say, 'a bit out of shape.' My issue here is with those that choose to conceal that fact (i.e. by including only head shots, standing in front of a tractor, etc.), and do so to the point where their well-meaning date arrives at their First Meeting only to discover that they have been misled as to the other person's physical appearance. And yes, guys are just as guilty of this as women - and deserve the same level of admonishment.

Anyone who has ever tried online dating has been burned by this at some point. The biggest complaint I usually get from women is that guys don’t look like their pictures (i.e. their profile pictures were taken several years earlier or when they were 30 pounds lighter or when they had a full head of hair). If you are a guy and you have any of these kind of photos in your profile, shame on you! Remove them IMMEDIATELY.

But the biggest complaint I get from guys, Stan, is about the girl that only has face-shots in her profile, and then shows up for a First Meeting needing a second chair (for herself). Hey Beavis, I said face-shots… hehehehhe.

If any of you guys have ever wondered WHY a woman would only include head shots in her profile, I have your answer. Check out the 1990 Wilson Phillips video, ‘Impulsive.’ My favorite thing about this video is how BLATANT the directors were in trying to conceal the ‘festive plumpness’ of Ms. Carnie Wilson.



Just remember the images from this video the next time you are on Match.com or JDate and see some girl standing behind a grand piano, nine of her closest friends or a medium-sized sports arena – do that, and you’ll never have to worry about running into this type of problem again.

Women are FAR more in tune to issues regarding physical appearance than most men. So rest assured, if she is concealing most of her body in a photo she is featuring on an online dating site, there is probably a good reason for it. If you ever find yourself wondering about someone based upon her lack of a full-body picture, it is a safe bet that you may be on to something.

But if you really MUST get an answer before deciding whether to meet her, you can always shoot her an email along the lines of, “the last time I agreed to meet someone online that only had pictures of her head, she turned out to just be a talking head! [which probably explains why she wasn’t down for my offer to go ice skating] Can you please send me some full-body shots so I can verify that you have all your extremities before we meet?” But again, I would only do this as an absolute LAST resort.

One final way to confirm your suspicions is to check the ‘body type’ description on her profile. Here is some girl code for what her answers actually mean:

Voluptuous = Overweight

Proportional = NOT proportional = Overweight

Cuddly = Overweight

Average/Medium Build = Overweight, UNLESS her pictures clearly suggest otherwise. In which case she actually SCORES points for being modest.

Modelesque = High-maintenance headcase. Stay away.

Lean/Slender, Athletic/Fit, Petite = You should be ok here. In fact, any woman that selects one of these options without any legitimate basis for doing so is a FRAUD. Feel free to immediately cut off a meeting if you encounter this type of situation – this is a sign of much bigger (no pun intended) problems down the road.

Best of luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2009 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Beware of the Highlighted Profile!

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, live workshops on approaching women and starting conversations as well as private coaching sessions, click here.

I was recently perusing JDate (for ‘educational purposes only’) and noticed that they have a new level of membership called a “Premium Plan.” For an extra 3-5 dollars a month (as if they are not expensive enough), you can have your profile appear highlighted when it shows up in someone’s search. I know Match.com offers a similar option, and my guess is that many other sites have something like this as well.

DON”T DO IT!

It screams WUSS.

Whew. That was easy ;)

Now for the rest of the story…

Woman that choose this option tend to be… well, let’s say, ‘more eager to meet a guy’ than someone with a normal membership.

You interpret that any way you’d like.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Jay Leno On Online Dating

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.


"What was originally going to be a Letterman-esque top ten list has turned into 15." We attempted to be pithy in our "Top 10," which we had to increase by 50%. We went from succinct, to verbose. Well, here's another good reminder - Don't misrepresent yourself, either in your description/essays or in your photo. You are who you are. There is always a way to put a positive spin or light, without lying (just ask any politician).

Jay Leno reminded us of profile misrepresentation (we have done other articles where we discuss this problem). Here is a quote from The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, from November 1, 2007:

"A 24-year-old hospital worker from Teaneck, N.J., has been arrested for having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman. Well, in his defense, he claims she looked a lot better in her online photo."

If you have a funny story related to misrepresentation, post a comment and let us know.



By the way, if you are an avid reader of books, magazines, newspapers, or blogs, check out the "Kindle". Cool new gadget.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

15 Dating Tips for 2008 - Part 2

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.



Here is the second half of our 15 dating tips for 2008. For Part 1, click here.

15 Dating Tips for 2008 (Part 2):

9. Don’t do anything expensive on a first meeting, especially if you're going out with somebody you met online. Coffee or tea work great. If you like, agree to meet at a place where there are other things close by you can move to if the date is going well (i.e. bowling alley, pool hall, etc.). If, for whatever reason, you are worried about getting suckered into taking her to dinner, meet later in the evening (i.e. 8pm) and casually mention that you already ate.

10. Ever wonder how you can tell if a woman is interested in you? KISS HER. ALWAYS go for a kiss at the end of the first date. If it is a girl you met online, the first meeting does not necessarily count as a ‘first date,’ and in that case, make sure you go for a kiss by the end of the second meeting. If she does not kiss you back, get rid of her. This is a clear sign that she is not interested and you are wasting your time.

11. Even a bad date can yield some positive results. I was out with someone earlier this year – Harvard MBA, top exec at a Fortune 100 company, blah blah blah. In between the drill-sergeant/job interview questions (including my favorite – ‘do you own or rent?’), she gave me the name of a kick-ass improv class which I ended up taking. She also made a compelling argument for quitting your job and going back to grad school full-time rather than part-time – which I took into consideration when I made the move this past summer. Not bad for a 45 minute date which cost me less than 20 bucks. And in case you were wondering, I didn’t answer ANY of her stupid questions.

12. Always have a stupid answer ready for any stupid questions she may throw at you. Check out our recent article for some help on how to answer the dreaded ‘What do you do?’ question.

13. When it comes to dating, a little spontaneity is always good – but make sure you set a time limit on it. A well-placed, “drinks tonite?’ text message or email can work wonders – as long as you don’t put yourself in a position where you are now stuck waiting for her response. Make sure you add something along the lines of, “This message will self-destruct in 2 hours.”

14. Dating is not done in a vacuum and people are not robots (well… you know what I mean). There will be situations where it may be okay to ‘violate’ one of the above rules. But this only comes with practice. In the meantime, don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake – you will. Just learn from it and get it right the next time.

15. Remember guys – THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. If you are not enjoying your dating life, you are doing something wrong. Feel free to drop us an email if you have any questions about anything, or if you like, take advantage of our profile rewriting services or one of our live approach workshops.



Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

15 Dating Tips for 2008 - Part 1

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.

One of the most important things I took from yesterday’s column (other than the information itself) is the fact that there is MUCH more to life than just dating. Even if your game is tight and you have women throwing themselves at your feet, you still need to make sure you have the rest of your life in order if you plan on keeping any of them around. This includes your finances, hobbies, job, living arrangement, friends, your health, and so on.

Every year around this time, I sit down and compile a list of my goals/plans for the coming year. I am not a huge proponent of the ‘New Year's Resolution’ – if you want to give up smoking, go on a diet or join a gym, just do it. You shouldn’t need an arbitrary future date to start going after what you want. However, this IS a good time of the year to assess where you are and where you would like to go.

I have been looking back over the past year’s articles, emails from you guys as well as my own dating life and have come up with a list of dating tips for the coming year. What was originally going to be a Letterman-esque top ten list has turned into 15. So I am going to do this one in two parts. Enjoy!

15 Dating Tips for 2008:

1. If a woman flakes on plans for your first meeting, get rid of her. If this is how she is making a first impression, you can only imagine what’s to come in the future. I had a situation this year where I (reluctantly) agreed to reschedule after a girl cancelled plans on me an hour before we were supposed to meet – and ended up having a really good time. However, after we made plans to hang out the next week, she flaked on me again last minute. Lesson learned.

2. Nothing matters until you meet in person. This is why it is so important to get to a first meeting as quickly as possible. Having a great ‘connection’ online or on the phone is meaningless until you see each other face to face. I can't tell you the amount of times I used to think I had found ‘the one’ online, only to be utterly disappointed when we actually met.

3. Don't rush into things too quickly with a woman you like. Even if the two of you hit it off from the get-go, try and keep the pace slow. Rushing into a relationship will inevitably lead to burnout. Remember, a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint.

4. Avoid going on group dates early on. For the first 60 - 90 days of the relationship, make your dates just you and her. There will be plenty of time for you to meet each other's friends once you have survived that critical early period and become a couple.



5. Even if you have an excellent first date, you are not yet home free. I had a first meeting this summer which ended up going until 3am (with both of us having work the next morning). However, when I tried to make plans to hang out again, I discovered she was a total psycho. Perhaps one day I’ll post the text messages…

6. Be careful of shit tests from women. There is plenty of material out there on how to pass them (which you should definitely learn how to do), but you still need to decide for yourself whether it is worth the trouble in the long run. While testing from women is to be expected, some women take the process a little bit too far. Decide for yourself how much you would be willing to tolerate and avoid women that go beyond that. NEVER sacrifice your overall comfort level for a woman - NO woman is cute enough to have to endure a constant barrage of judging.

7. If a girl writes to you online, and you are pretty certain you're not going to be interested in her, don't waste everyone’s time by writing her back. Just move on.

8. NEVER accept “definitely maybe" plans. When you call a woman to make plans, make sure that you hang up with a definite date, time and place to meet. Do not put yourself in a situation where you have to “call her back and confirm" prior to meeting. If she says anything along lines of “give me a call earlier that day so we can confirm that were still on,” tell her that you don't like to make maybe plans and that when you make plans you stick to them and there should not be any reason you should have to call and confirm that day. If she likes you, she will appreciate that you are being decisive and will agree to meet.

However, if she pushes the matter further, she is telling you that she has low interest in meeting you and she is going to let you hang until something better comes along. Just cancel on the spot. You should never put yourself in a situation where you are wondering whether or not she is going to show.

Tomorrow - Tips 9-15

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

The Online Stalker

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.

Alexander & Stephen,

I have recently returned to online dating after breaking up with my girlfriend. I am noticing on my internet dating account that someone keeps clicking on my profile. I am getting a vibe that it is my ex ‘checking up on me.’ Should I call her out on it or tell her to knock it off?

Sean from DC

********MY COMMENTS********

IGNORE IT.

Don’t even bother calling her out on it. She’ll deny everything and try to make it look like YOU are the jealous ex. Ignore her.

But if you really want to have some fun with her, you can send the ‘profile girl’ a quick message calling her out on the fact that she keeps clicking on you.

“Well, are you going to say hello already or what? All my stalker positions are currently filled, so I am going to have to limit you to nine clicks per day unless you have something interesting to say.”

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Online Dating: How to Make Your Dating Profile Appealing to Women

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach training, click here.

Today we welcome back our female correspondent, Michelle Hill, with her take on internet dating.
********
Online Dating - A Woman's Perspective:

The whole point of this online dating thing is to actually get out from behind your computer and meet people in real life, right? So how do you make your profile interesting enough, witty enough and intriguing enough to solicit a contact or a response to your email? Here are some tips on what works and what doesn’t work, from a woman’s perspective.

1. Answer all of the questions. Actually put some effort into it. If you don’t put effort into putting your best foot forward, how do you expect to attract the best match for you? How will anyone get to know anything about you? Don’t say things like “Ask me” or “I’ll fill this in later” or “Almost to the character limit”. If you’re too lazy to fill out a silly questionnaire, she’s going to think you’re lazy about lots of other things too.

2. Be original. Better yet, be YOU. Make your profile stand out from the hundreds of other dudes out there who write things like “I like to laugh” and “my friends and family are important to me”. There should be at least three or four things in your profile that can’t be found in anyone else’s. This will give her an idea about what you might have in common or maybe even give her something to comment on in her email.

3. Be descriptive. Give examples of things you’ve done that make you interesting or tell a story about a time you were really funny/adventurous/embarrassed/wasted, whatever. Make it easy for her to visualize the situation. It will make you seem more like a real person, and not just some random anonymous picture on a website.

4. Let’s face it, she’s going to want to know what you look like too. Make sure the picture is a good representation of you. If you don’t have any good pics, ask a friend to take some or bring a camera out with you one night. Those self-portraits taken with camera phones or webcams make you look green and just plain creepy. And smile. Smiling is contagious.

5. Don’t lie. If you lie about your height, the amount of hair on your head, your age, whether or not you have kids, whatever, she’s going to find out. You should be comfortable enough with yourself and your situation to be up front about it. I have a friend who recently went out with a guy who put up a picture of himself with a full head of hair, but when she met up with him, he was totally balding. She was totally fine with the baldness, but couldn’t get past the fact that he had been dishonest.

The most important thing to remember when crafting your profile is that this should be a true representation of you. Spend time making sure it’s good, and you will stand out from the endless sea of other guys out there. Believe me, even if she is not sure how she feels about your appearance, if she’s intrigued by what you’ve written (or more importantly about who you are), she’s going to be much more likely to respond when you reach out to her or even to contact you on her own. And do yourself a favor and apply the same logic when deciding who you want to contact or respond to. If you’re not 100% about her pics but are intrigued by what she’s written, give her a shot. You never know.

By the way, if you’re looking for some professional assistance with your profile, the guys at Approach Dynamics know what they are doing. I may or may not have contacted one of them because his profile was so well written…

Michelle Hill
Michelle@ApproachDynamics.com
********

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Yahoo: 5 Steps to Disaster-Proof Your Dating

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach training, click here.

"If you want a dating life that's free from disaster,
you need to invest in a little insurance. As hurricane
victims know, it does no good to buy insurance after
the storm has wreaked its damage. Here's how to get
your own dating insurance package together:"

5 Steps to Disaster-Proof Your Dating, by Kathryn Lord
is a simplified look at improving your dating success.
One prescribed step is basically to be prepared to reject
and be rejected. The best thing you can do in order
to improve the chances of NOT being over-looked is to
have a well written and eye catching profile, and that's
where we come in!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Seven Keys to Creating a Captivating Online Dating Profile

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.

Let’s face it. The substance and presentation of your internet dating profile is single-handedly going to make or break your success online. In order to get noticed by women amid the sea of chodes in the online dating world, you are going to have to stand out. In fact, a sharp and witty profile is so COVETED by women on these sites, that they will actually be contacting YOU.

Here are seven keys to creating a captivating online profile:

1. Your photos: This is the FIRST place she is going to look. Make sure you have a lead picture which makes you look your best. Use hotornot.com to test out your photos.

2. Proper grammar and spelling: Now granted, the rules here are a little different, as this is not a professional journal or an English exam. However, there is absolutely no excuse for ANY spelling errors, missing punctuation or improper word forms (i.e. complement instead of compliment, there vs. they’re, etc.). At the very least, spell-check your profile and have a friend proofread it before it is published.

3. Avoid meaningless adjectives: Don’t SAY that you are funny, smart or adventurous - SHOW that you are. Tell a funny story, mention what you like to do for fun around town, or talk about that time you went rafting in Switzerland.

4. NO CLICHES: It is already assumed that you enjoy both going out and staying in, that you love to laugh and that you are seeking your ‘partner in crime’. Avoid these phrases like the plague. In fact, these sayings have become so overused that even MAKING FUN of them in your profile has become a cliche of its own.

5. Use the passive tone: Instead of just spewing out facts, write your profile as if you are talking directly to the person that is reading it. Instead of saying ‘the person I am looking for is smart, sexy, etc.’, try something along the lines of, “you are happy, compassionate and reflexively kind...”

6. No negativity or pessimistic language: Your life sucks? Keep it to yourself. The online dating world is not a sounding board for you to gripe about the world. No matter what your situation is in life, there is ALWAYS a way to put a positive spin on things.

7. Brevity is KEY: Ronald Reagan once said that if you cannot write about something in one page or less, then you don’t understand it. The same rules apply for online dating. Having an excessively long profile is going to scare off potential readers, even if your information happens to be good. Remember, give a woman a GLIMPSE into your world, without giving away too much of the plot.

At Approach Dynamics, our goal is to help you present yourself in your best light. Remember, first impressions are EVERYTHING, and having a creative, well-written profile will help you stand out from the crowd - a MUST for success in the online dating world.

We offer a number of different services for online dating, including email and phone consultations to answer any of your individual questions, a detailed critique of your existing online profile, or if you wish, we will write you a new one from scratch (with an emphasis on making sure it sounds like YOU). We look forward to working with you.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Online Dating: 'My Perfect First Date'

Regardless of which dating websites you are using, there are going to be a series of short answer questions included as part of your online profile. Some essays, such as ‘About Me' and ‘The Person I am Looking For' are pretty much universal to all online dating sites (and what we at Online Dating Edge assist you with creating - click here for more info).

In addition to the basics, each website also has their own unique set of paragraphs. These additional sections of your profile are PRIME opportunities to show off your creative side - so don't overlook them!

JDate, for instance, has a section entitled, "My Ideal First Date." Not only is this question a good opportunity to show your sense of humor and originality, but you can also find out some interesting info on others by reading what they have to say.

For example, if a woman is talking about fancy restaurants and swanky lounges rather than a quiet place where the two of you can get to know one another, you may have a gold digger on your hands. On the same note, if a guy is talking about 'long walks on the beach' or 'dinner and a movie' while looking forward to calling you the next day, the WUSS alarm should be going off.

Here is an example of a guy's answer to this JDate question (sent by one of our female readers):
********
My Ideal First Date:

It's not where you are but who you are with right? If we're on a first date, I'm talking you to COSTCO. It has plenty of delicious free samples for us to chow on. There is usually a good movie in the TV section. They sell clothes and books, so we can talk reading and fashion. The home section has swings and a fountain (very romantic!). To get an a bit of a rush, we can go and smell the new tire stacks. Guess whats next to COSTCO? That's right. Home Depot. But that would have to be a second date.
********

I don't think he realizes it, but this guy is actually ON to something. Stores with many different departments are FUN places to go for a first date. But putting aside the creativity of his answer for a moment, there are a few things this guy can do to GREATLY improve this response. Here they are:

1. Grammar, grammar, grammar - Missing commas, sentence fragments, a lost apostrophe and getting 'an a bit of a rush' will KILL your profile. It also detracts from your central message.

2. Lack of mystery - By identifying the place and specifically what he intends to do there, this dude has essentially RUINED the possibly of using this as an actual date (which is a shame, because this is a GREAT idea). Why would a woman be excited about going somewhere when she knows everything that is going to happen ahead of time?

This dude could have accomplished the SAME result (and MORE) by saying something along the lines of the following:

"I am going to take you to a place you have NEVER been for a first date. Somewhere SO obvious, yet so elusive. Imagine having an INFINITE number of exciting things to do, all under one roof! If you think you can handle it, that is. If not, I hear that the guy two profiles before me is into long walks on the beach and Michael Jackson records."

3. Slight change of venue - Costco is a madhouse. There is stuff piled up everywhere, the aisles are crowded, and the foosball table is missing a goalie (and all the balls!). There is also no sofa to sit on while you attempt to watch your romantic movie on the 13 inch tv/vcr combo. Great idea, wrong spot.

Tomorrow we are going to examine one of my favorite places for a creative, yet inexpensive first date... stay tuned!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Internet Dating: Anatomy of a Generic Profile

www.ApproachDynamics.com

One of the big realities with internet dating is that if you have a generic profile, you are going to get a generic date (if you’re lucky). Not only does the inclusion of any cliches or other meaningless phrases in your online dating profile make you look unoriginal and boring, but you also lose credibility because it appears that you are using someone else’s material (which you are!).

But have you ever stopped and wondered what is actually BEHIND some of those canned lines that appear in so many dating profiles? Let’s take a look at what some of these phrases REALLY mean...

"I cant believe I am doing this" or "I have finally resorted to online dating" - Always nice to open with a negative, eh? Basically, they are saying that online dating is beneath them, and they can’t believe they have stooped so low that they are on this site. And let’s remember, this is going to be read by other people that have ‘resorted to online dating’. REAL smooth.

"After taking a break, I have decided to give online dating another shot" - I just got out of a relationship, and I am either on the rebound or looking for some ‘no strings attached physical fun’. Proceed at your own risk.

"No game players" - The games have JUST begun...

"I am just as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as I am in heels and a cocktail dress" - C’mon, are guys really clueless enough to believe that? I tried heels once - NOT very comfortable.

"I'ts really hard to write about yourself in 1000 characters or less" - I have the personality of a mop.

"I love to laugh" - Oh, so YOU'RE the one. For a moment there, I thought you loved to frown. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Hey, I love to laugh too! We must be soulmates...

"My friends are important to me" - Well, I suppose that’s why they are your friends, Skippy.

"My friends say I am smart, funny, etc..." But what do they say BEHIND your back? And while we’re at it, how do I know that your friends aren’t all a bunch of tools?

"I am tired of the bar scene" - You’ve got a party girl/guy on your hands here. If you are looking for a relationship, you might wanna consider looking elsewhere. These chaps are usually not the best relationship material.

"I don’t care how much money a guy makes" - If she really didnt care about money, why did she bring it up in the first place? Hmm...

"I look much better in person" - Yeah. Maybe with a lower wattage light bulb (thanks Will!).

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part II of IV - The Initial Meeting

www.ApproachDynamics.com

This is the second part of a four-part series.
Click here for ‘How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part I of IV- Introduction'
********
You would think that gold diggers would have some sort of expertise in covering their tracks, but surprisingly, many of these women OVERTLY flash their true intentions - all you have to do is listen! In most cases, you can weed these women out right from the get-go and move on to friendlier waters. Here's what to look out for when you first encounter one of these women:

Online:

In the online dating world, Match.com and Chemistry.com make it REAL easy. Check and see if she has money or power listed as one of her 'turn-ons' and if she has any 'salary requirements' for her date. If either one of these pop up, RUN for the nearest exit.

On Jdate, look at her personality traits and see if ‘high-maintenance’ is checked off. You would be surprised how many women have this listed (well, then again...). Also, check her written paragraph about her ‘ideal first date.’ If she is talking about nice restaurants and fine wine rather than getting to know you better, you’ve got yourself a problem child. Finally, look at her blurb on what she learned from her past relationships. A lot of times they’ll give up some REAL good info in there (this is also a good section on Jdate for weeding out psychos!).

Now for ‘research purposes only', I contacted some women on Match and Jdate who met the above criteria to try and find out what gives. Here is a sampling of what they wrote back:

"No, I am not rich and the father of my children does not sit at home either it is as simple as that."

"You seem rather hostile... what is with that opening email? Intersting game plan...."

Don't even bother trying to bust on these women - they can't take a joke. Just move on.

In Person:

Now with real-life interactions, you have to pay a little closer attention. When you first met her, how long did it take for the ‘what do you do?’ question to come out of her mouth? And how did she react when you told her that you were the sour cream manager at Wendys or a miniature golf caddy? Did she laugh and change the subject, or did she seem annoyed and ask you again?

Also, was she asking you questions in an attempt to genuinely get to know you better, or was she trying to qualify you with inappropriate questions from the moment you began talking to her (i.e. ‘what do you do’, ‘how much money do you make’, ‘what kind of car do you drive’, ‘what do your parents do’, ‘do you own or rent’)?

Case in point. There was a girl I was corresponding with on match.com that kept asking me what I did for a living. Each time she would ask, my responses got more and more outrageous. I should also note here that her emails otherwise seemed witty and playful. However, when I asked for her number, here was her response:

"My cell number is 917-XXX-XXXX. But I still don't know what you do. I can tolerate most jobs but if yours is rather scatalogical or bodily function involved-ok a man with a bedpan in certain situations could be attractive-our future tryst might not work."

One thing you are going to have to do is have a pre-planned, smartass answer for any inappropriate questions IN ADVANCE. Sometimes women will ask an inappropriate question innocently, so being a wiseass here is a good test to see what her true intentions are. Stay tuned for Part IV of this series where I'll give you some examples of how to respond to these questions.

Now if she is REALLY being a pain in the ass, I’ll tell her that I am looking for a sugar momma to take care of me so that I can be a house husband. And after I get bored of watching Oprah and the Price is Right, I am going to divorce her and take half her money. Then I get a good laugh at her reaction and WALK AWAY.

Coming tomorrow, 'How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part III - The First Date and Beyond'

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Your Online Dating Profile: Avoid Cliches

www.ApproachDynamics.com

There is no faster way to have your online dating profile laughed at and ignored then by using meaningless and/or overused phrases. I think this is the one area where both men and women are EQUALLY guilty. But as online dating continues to evolve, not only is the USE of these phrases subject to ridicule, making fun of them in your profile has also become a cliche of its own. Unless of course you do it creatively. Case in point:

********
It has been brought to my attention that there are a number of women using online dating to lure poor, unsuspecting men with false claims of enjoying things like beer, sports and Comedy Central. This is apparently part of a more elaborate scheme by these women to further their romantic agendas of sunsets, candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach.

A woman I recently met online brought this all to light. What initially attracted me to her profile was her claim that she enjoyed going out as much as she liked staying in. She also told me that not only is she as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as she is in a cocktail dress and heels, but she is also tired of the bar scene. A rare bird indeed!

However, what I discovered was quite troubling. Not only was she unable to name even three members of the Mets, but she also complained that her heels were making her feet hurt. After much arm twisting, she FINALLY admitted that she did not come up with any of those things on her own as I had thought, but had actually taken them from another woman’s profile! Blasphemy!

Needless to say, I am astounded. After all, us guys really DO work hard and play hard, have the best friends in the world and are genuinely looking for a ‘partner-n-crime’. And if you don't believe us, just look at our profiles - it's in just about EVERY one of them!

So ladies, be forewarned. We are on to you ;)
********
So what to do? Again, you have to think OUTSIDE the box. Dont just SAY you are close with your friends and family (who isn't?), SHOW it. Talk about how you set up the party for your grandmother's 80th birthday, or subtly mention that speech you gave at your friend's wedding.

Once you have that down, you NOW have license to start busting on people with cliche-ridden profiles! As always, I'll get you started:

"Hey, I really like what you had to say about enjoying both going out and staying in. Me too! We must be soulmates..."

"Thought you might want to know - there is another woman on [insert dating site here] using your line about 'looking for a normal guy.' I realize that probably took you a long time to come up with, and I don't think it's right that someone else should just swoop in and steal it from you. I think you should report her for copyright infringement. And by the way, what exactly do you consider to be 'normal?'"

If she is a good sport about it, she will acknowledge that she has the same profile as everyone else, but that "it's so hard to write something about yourself... blah blah blah."

If she gets annoyed or offended, dont worry about that either. Most people with nothing of substance in their profiles don't have much of a personality anyway. It's not YOUR problem - it's HERS.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

A 'Scientific Approach' to Dating

www.ApproachDynamics.com

I am happy to report that we have finally answered that question of yours from high school science class about how this (insert expletive here) is going to help you in real life. Here ya go...

The Scientific Method & Dating:

1. The Problem(s):
How do I find a date?
How do I find a girlfriend or boyfriend?
How do I find a partner?
How do I find a significant other?
How do I find a husband or wife?
How do I meet new people?

2. The Hypothesis:
I'll go out to bars and clubs (why is it that most people limit themselves to these two places? think outside the box!), ask friends to introduce me to other people or get an online dating membership.

3. Materials and Methods:
Ask pre-existing friends to help you out by introducing you to other people they know. Go to local hot spots or even keep your eyes open while going through the normal menutia of everyday life (i.e. smile and say hello to people while food shopping, browsing the bookstore or waiting on line at the bank). Get an online dating account with match, jdate, chemistry or any of the other dating sites out there. Decide what you are looking for.

4. Experiment:
Go out and have conversations with people and see what happens. Write your profile, email people, and set up some first meetings. Don't be a 'keyboard jockey' that just sits around looking at profiles. Let loose and have some fun.

5. Results:
Every date is practice for the next. What did I learn from the experience? Where can I improve next time? What were the positives and negatives? Alas, this starts getting easier!

6. Conclusion:
Do you have an interest in any of these people? Where do you see things heading? If it's a go, move on to the next step. If not? Wash. Rinse. Repeat cycle.

It's great when things flow neatly like this, but as we all know life isn't always linear - it often branches into many directions forming a complex web. Try and keep things as simple as possible and it will make life a lot simpler. Happy dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - The First Email: Don't Be a Jackass

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Guys... here are some examples of what NOT to do when sending a first email (as sent to us by their unfortunate recipients - thanks ladies!). If any of your opening messages sound even remotely close to these, you need to contact us IMMEDIATELY.

If any of y'all have more examples of disastrous emails, send em along!

********
My name is XXX and i'm from manhattan, i'm real sua - ve, but no, i'm not latin, you look cute and nice so give me some adivce; how do i contact you...so i can bring you some rice, ...and beans, not jeans, no, cause they're too expensive, deisel, seven, yo, that stuff is junk, gimmie some carhartt, i ain't no punk...cause i was born here! word.

********
Just want to say hi my name is XXX I am a director of photography / editor in New York City, I would like to thank you for helping me to finally understand what the expression breath taken really means? YOU!!!!! This is not a line that is exactly what I felt when I saw your picture. I do not know how to sale myself or how to play this on line dating thing nor I care to learn how to do it because I am not into playing games, in business I have an agent and a manager to sale me with you all I know I would love to meet you and through my actions let you know the kind of person I am. It will be honor to have the opportunity get to know you... XXX

********
After 10 years bouncing between Boston and DC for school, jobs, gradschool, etc, I was summoned – like Batman seeing the bat-signal in thesky - to undertake a revolutionary adventure I couldn't refuse -rebuilding a government from the ground up….here on Long Island.

But it's odd to be suddenly thrust into suburbia - hence my foray into jdate - and frequent cathartic trips to the city. It's gorgeous whereI live though - Port Jefferson, on the harbor – and very much lookingforward to summer in the Hamptons and on Fire Island.

You should know that I think it's important to have a good time, andeven do absurdly silly things, especially while you're changing theworld. And to help along the way, I have a crazy puppy-like Siamesecat who wears a Jets helmet and a cape.
********

Online Dating - Things That Make You Go Hmm

www.ApproachDynamics.com

**EDITOR’S NOTE - This is a revision of a previous draft of this article, which I have updated after it was brought to my attention that there was some confusion regarding my position on this issue. -AS

Here is a woman’s profile I happened to stumble across. Read this one closely - there’s a LOT going on here.

********
The art of online dating involves honing conversational and social skills within a very grey area, but there are ways to make the person you are dating, believe the words from your mouth are sweet like honey. "Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours." And he was right.

The secret to having a man's undivided attention is to ask him open-ended questions about his interests, and then seem completely fascinated by what he tells you. Ask him questions about what he tells you; do not merely sit there with nothing to contribute. A good conversationalist would also ask you questions about yourself as well, as he'll want to get to know you better. And even though you may feel so comfortable with someone you met online, certain topics remain taboo. These include your ex-boyfriends, health problems and daily grind. Try to keep the conversation flowing, stroking his ego and maintaining your air of mysticism. He'll be hanging at your every word.
********
Yes, this is an ACTUAL profile (copied, in its entirety, word for word).

Although she does hit on some of the basics for keeping a conversation going with someone you just met (asking open-ended questions, following up on topics he/she brings up, asking questions about your date, and avoiding topics such as exes, health problems and so on), she does so in a grossly misguided way. Some of these skills (channeled properly) are covered in our article on The First Meeting.

Needless to say, the author of this profile is an example of someone you want to stay far, far away from. It amazes me that someone would put their name (and picture!) alongside this profile in their search for a date, but at least it reminds the rest of us that there are some weirdos out there (both male and female), and we need to be alert so that we can avoid wasting our time, money and emotional energy with someone that is not right for us.

Alexander Stone and Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - Photo Questions From the Mailbag

www.ApproachDynamics.com
Dating question? Write to us at Dating@ApproachDynamics.com

Alexander,

Got a couple of questions on your photo article. What do you think about getting professional photos for my profile? Also, I have a couple of pictures with a few of my (hot) female friends. Should I put those in? Thanks.

Tim
Waltham, MA

********MY COMMENTS********

Tim,

Excellent questions.

I personally like the idea of getting professional photos taken. Not only will you have an experienced photographer working with you to help you look your best, but it will also show those people reading your profile that you are serious about meeting someone. That being said, I would still try to include some regular photos of you as additional photos. You still want to show that you have some sort of a life outside of internet dating. I like to tease women that only have professional photos on their profile. "What are those, glamour shots from the mall? C’mon, what do you REALLY look like ;)?" As I’ve said previously, hotornot is a great place to test out your pictures.

As for photos with other women, be careful. My advice is that if you do have women in your pictures (get their permission!), make sure they are at the approximate level looks-wise of the women you are seeking. If the women in your pictures are strikingly gorgeous, you might intimidate a lot of women on the website. If your gal pals are not particularly attractive, that isn’t going to fare well for you either. Also, it is better to have 2-3 women in your picture. If you just have one, people will assume it is an ex or you might find yourself justifying that it is a relative. Any more than 2 or 3, and your sexual orientation may come into question.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - Your Photos

www.ApproachDynamics.com

We've all heard the expression, "a picture is worth a thousand words." We can think of no better place where this applies than online dating. A picture, for better or for worse, WILL make or break your profile.

Let’s face it - the photo is the first place you go to when you are looking at someone’s profile. I think this is the one area where both men and women are alike. If you are not attracted to the other person, NOTHING is going to happen. This is why it is SO important to have the right pictures on your profile.

At the outset, you MUST have pictures in your profile. This is non-negotiable, and applies to both men and women. Practically everyone I know that is dating online (including myself) will pass over a photoless profile without batting an eyelash. You could have the most creative, well-written profile in the world, but if you do not have a picture, noone is going to read it. In fact, many online dating sites will actually give members the option of only viewing profiles with pictures.

As a general rule, you want to submit photos which show different sides of your personality. A good assortment would include a group shot with the guys/gals, a picture of you traveling (a famous landmark in the background is always a nice touch - and could make for a good conversation opener!), a photo of you doing something physical as well as a nice dress-up shot (a picture in a suit/tux or a cocktail dress is always a nice touch). Just make sure that the photos have a clear shot of your face and that there is at least one full body shot. And make sure your photos are recent (i.e. taken within a year).

Also, before you post anything online, ask a friend of the opposite sex for their opinion - we are not always the best judges of which pictures make us look good. Just remember that close family members are often not in a position to truly be an objective consultant, so try a member of the opposite sex that you trust will give you an honest opinion.

Another EXCELLENT idea is to post your pictures on www.hotornot.com. This website allows you to upload photos so they can be rated by other people on the site. Although the website tends to cater to a little bit of a younger crowd (18-25), it is still an invaluable (and free!) resource for people looking to get an unbiased opinion on which photos to post. I personally run all my photos through hotornot before I would even think about posting them online. And wait until you have at least 100 votes to ensure an accurate count.

Finally, here are some things to AVOID at all costs:
1. DO NOT submit any pictures with your shirt off. I don’t care how buff you are or how nice your new boob job is - you WILL be laughed at;
2. No photos with your ex cropped out;
3. Guys, stay away from pictures with babies and puppy dogs. Will throw you right into the wuss zone;
4. No self portrait webcam/cell phone photos;
5. Do NOT misrepresent yourself in your photos. I had a situation last year where a girl I was vibing with really well turned out to be a lot heavier than her pictures suggested. Not cool.

Although you cannot (and should not) worry about those areas of your physical appearance you have no control over, you CAN select photographs which make you look your best and show that you know how to take care of yourself. It is our mission at ApproachDynamics to not change who you are, but to help you present yourself in your best light.

Happy Dating!
Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge