Are women that only have head-shots in their online dating profiles hiding something big?

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, live workshops on approaching women and starting conversations as well as private coaching sessions, click here.

Alexander and Stephen,

I have been talking with this girl I met online for a little while, and we are just about at that point where it is time to meet. She is definitely a nice girl, and she seems to have a great personality (and I can tell she is definitely into me!). However, I am a bit concerned about how she is going to look. Her dating profile has three pictures, but they only show her face (there is one which would be a full body shot, but she is standing behind three of her friends). Also, she described her body type as ‘Average/Medium Build.’ Without sounding insensitive, I don’t want to waste my time meeting her if she is overweight. Do I have a valid reason to be concerned? Thanks guys, and keep up the great work!

Stan

********OUR COMMENTS********

Yes.

Your little vixen is probably not so little after all. In fact, my guess is that you would not have taken the time to write us if you didn’t already know this. But read on, grasshopper…

At the outset, I should point out that I have nothing against women that may find themselves, let's just say, 'a bit out of shape.' My issue here is with those that choose to conceal that fact (i.e. by including only head shots, standing in front of a tractor, etc.), and do so to the point where their well-meaning date arrives at their First Meeting only to discover that they have been misled as to the other person's physical appearance. And yes, guys are just as guilty of this as women - and deserve the same level of admonishment.

Anyone who has ever tried online dating has been burned by this at some point. The biggest complaint I usually get from women is that guys don’t look like their pictures (i.e. their profile pictures were taken several years earlier or when they were 30 pounds lighter or when they had a full head of hair). If you are a guy and you have any of these kind of photos in your profile, shame on you! Remove them IMMEDIATELY.

But the biggest complaint I get from guys, Stan, is about the girl that only has face-shots in her profile, and then shows up for a First Meeting needing a second chair (for herself). Hey Beavis, I said face-shots… hehehehhe.

If any of you guys have ever wondered WHY a woman would only include head shots in her profile, I have your answer. Check out the 1990 Wilson Phillips video, ‘Impulsive.’ My favorite thing about this video is how BLATANT the directors were in trying to conceal the ‘festive plumpness’ of Ms. Carnie Wilson.



Just remember the images from this video the next time you are on Match.com or JDate and see some girl standing behind a grand piano, nine of her closest friends or a medium-sized sports arena – do that, and you’ll never have to worry about running into this type of problem again.

Women are FAR more in tune to issues regarding physical appearance than most men. So rest assured, if she is concealing most of her body in a photo she is featuring on an online dating site, there is probably a good reason for it. If you ever find yourself wondering about someone based upon her lack of a full-body picture, it is a safe bet that you may be on to something.

But if you really MUST get an answer before deciding whether to meet her, you can always shoot her an email along the lines of, “the last time I agreed to meet someone online that only had pictures of her head, she turned out to just be a talking head! [which probably explains why she wasn’t down for my offer to go ice skating] Can you please send me some full-body shots so I can verify that you have all your extremities before we meet?” But again, I would only do this as an absolute LAST resort.

One final way to confirm your suspicions is to check the ‘body type’ description on her profile. Here is some girl code for what her answers actually mean:

Voluptuous = Overweight

Proportional = NOT proportional = Overweight

Cuddly = Overweight

Average/Medium Build = Overweight, UNLESS her pictures clearly suggest otherwise. In which case she actually SCORES points for being modest.

Modelesque = High-maintenance headcase. Stay away.

Lean/Slender, Athletic/Fit, Petite = You should be ok here. In fact, any woman that selects one of these options without any legitimate basis for doing so is a FRAUD. Feel free to immediately cut off a meeting if you encounter this type of situation – this is a sign of much bigger (no pun intended) problems down the road.

Best of luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2009 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Beware of the Highlighted Profile!

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, live workshops on approaching women and starting conversations as well as private coaching sessions, click here.

I was recently perusing JDate (for ‘educational purposes only’) and noticed that they have a new level of membership called a “Premium Plan.” For an extra 3-5 dollars a month (as if they are not expensive enough), you can have your profile appear highlighted when it shows up in someone’s search. I know Match.com offers a similar option, and my guess is that many other sites have something like this as well.

DON”T DO IT!

It screams WUSS.

Whew. That was easy ;)

Now for the rest of the story…

Woman that choose this option tend to be… well, let’s say, ‘more eager to meet a guy’ than someone with a normal membership.

You interpret that any way you’d like.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Some Creepy JDate IM Chat

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, live workshops on approaching women and starting conversations as well as private coaching sessions, click here.

Head's up ladies...

A female friend of mine sent me this IM exchange she had on JDate the other night. Apparently this guy wrote her and told her how he had just gone to a friend's party at a gay bar. Then the conversation got a bit creepy, so she decided to have some fun with him. (NOTE - the names have been changed to protect the guilty)

The bottom line is that you never know who may be lurking on these websites. So always keep your wits about you, and use common sense.

But for the rest of us, enjoy!

********

JDate Guy: ever been to a gay or les bar/club?
GirlieGirl: maybe...
JDate Guy: what maybe?
JDate Guy: i've been before
GirlieGirl: lots of cute guys there
JDate Guy: haha
JDate Guy: and girls
GirlieGirl: absolutely
JDate Guy: it was a lot of fun
JDate Guy: lots of dancing
GirlieGirl: that's where i met my girlfriend
JDate Guy: thats cool
JDate Guy: how long you two been together
GirlieGirl: well, we're not really 'together'
JDate Guy: but? i am very openminded
JDate Guy: by the way,,my name is Don
GirlieGirl: do tell...
GirlieGirl: im lisa
JDate Guy: I am bi
GirlieGirl: likewise
JDate Guy: most people have some bi in them
JDate Guy: would you date a bi guy?
GirlieGirl: my girlfriends are pretty open minded about that stuff
GirlieGirl: i date all kinds of guys
GirlieGirl: and girls
JDate Guy: thats great
JDate Guy: we live nearby,,which is cool
GirlieGirl: do you mainly date girls or guys?
JDate Guy: what brings you to jdate ? looking for something serious?
casual? a mix of both? etc,,,,
JDate Guy: mainly women
JDate Guy: no wrong or right answer
GirlieGirl: just having fun
JDate Guy: where did you grow up?
JDate Guy: oyu date mainly men or women
GirlieGirl: where ever my mood takes me
GirlieGirl: tonite is going to be fun
JDate Guy: thats cool
JDate Guy: why
GirlieGirl: just waiting for my friend to come out of the shower
GirlieGirl: :p
JDate Guy: hehe
JDate Guy: have ap ic of her?
GirlieGirl: she's hotter than I am
JDate Guy: hehe,,you two ever take pics together?
GirlieGirl: maybe...
JDate Guy: me too with men
JDate Guy: its fun
GirlieGirl: do tell...
JDate Guy: noyour turn to do tell
GirlieGirl: lol... nice try
JDate Guy: do you have aim?
JDate Guy: i would loev to get to know you more
GirlieGirl: i have great aim
GirlieGirl: she LOVES it
JDate Guy: okay going to sleep hun
GirlieGirl: me too... going to bed
GirlieGirl: but i cant say im going to sleep
GirlieGirl: ;)
GirlieGirl: night night
JDate Guy: i would like to stay in touch
GirlieGirl: play your cards right, and you just might...
GirlieGirl: drop me an email sometime
GirlieGirl: night

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

My JDate Experiment - A guy's perspective on women's profiles

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EDITOR’S NOTE – A woman in Los Angeles has written the female version of this column. Guys, there is some really good insight in there as to what to do (and NOT do) with your dating profiles. You can find her article here.
********

Ladies, have you ever wondered what goes through a guy's mind when he is searching through women's profiles online?

Here’s what I did:

I went onto JDate and clicked on the “Members Online” option for women in my geographical area aged 25-40. All the women had pictures. The women below are the first 12 that popped up on my screen. The order that they were on my page is the same order in which they appear below.

I approached this experiment as if I was only going to contact one of these 12 women. The following is the process by which I went about selecting the one I would write.

My comments are based solely on that particular woman’s profile and the ones I had previously read up to that point. For example, at the time I commented about Woman #1, I had not yet read anyone else’s profile. Furthermore, while commenting about Woman #4, I had already read profiles 1-3, but had not yet seen #5. And so on.

Here are my findings:

1. I like this one. She is 28, cute (I like all 4 of her pictures) and claims to have been a diver and a gymnast when she was growing up. Very straightforward profile, which contains a lot of information about her. It is right to the point, with no grammar errors. She is very organized and definitely left-brained. But there is absolutely no humor in this profile, nor much of a personality. She seems like she is just spewing items off of a list.

Oh, here we go. She is getting out of business school in May and starting work in the fall with a big corporate office (she also has her future salary info in there also - which is REALLY tacky). This girl looks like she is going to be a major pain in the ass, and will probably try to qualify the shit out of me. I am also not sure if she is going to be able to take a joke. But I might just want to try and find out anyway. We’ll keep her as a maybe for now.

2. 27, redhead. Decent looking, but not drop-dead gorgeous. I’ll read on. This one seems really chill, a girlie-girl. Definitely a lot more fun than Ms. Business School. But there is only one bodyshot, and she is wearing a one piece skirt. Kinda hard to tell how she looks, but she seems ok. I also don’t deduct that many points for her failure to include ‘romantic’ in her check-the-box personality description. Appears to be an oversight. She’s a probable.

3. Hmm. 3 pictures, 2 in sunglasses (including her main photo) and the third out with friends while holding a Red Bull. One of her sunglass pictures is on a sailboat sunbathing (although you can only see her face). She seems high-maintenance, but has a decent body. So I read on. “Likes the bubblies in champagne.” Perhaps I should be taking these major law firm interviews more seriously. This one sounds expensive. And there is nothing more of note in her paragraphs. She also failed to put ‘Romantic” in her check-the-boxes, but this does NOT appear to be an oversight. Cute, but I’m gonna pass.

4. Looks kinda manly. Actually, she’s a spitting image of a guy I pledged with my freshman year in college. And she’s disgustingly thin to boot. NEXT!

5. Very cute. I like all four of her pictures. A pre-school teacher/pastry chef with an awesome body! I don’t need to read any more... I hear wedding bells. But I read on anyway, because I know better. ARGH! Here is the first half of her opening paragraph:

“Im not really into these online dating things but my mom has been trying to convince me for a while to join. She promised me that if i join... not only will she pay for it... but she'll also stop bothering me about going on blind dates. I've had quite a few bad experiences with blind dates... I always end up with not normal guys who (on the first date) tell me about how they farted on someone's face, ask me if it's ok that they walk around in their underwear because its more comfortable, or ask me what i've learned in my experiences about differences in Jewish & non-Jewish penis sizes (if you're wondering what my answer is... I wouldn't know). if you don't understand why these dates were so bad... or you are actually one of these guys... don't even bother contacting me.”

I don’t even care what the second half of her intro says.

6. This girl’s face looks like a train wreck. She has an ok body, but she is wearing a lot of club garb. I am also sensing potential party-girl issues. Did I mention this girl is a train wreck?



7. Our first cougar of the night. She is 36, and both of her pictures are headshots. D’oh! So I go to her description of body type. “Voluptuous.” Not a good sign. But her 2nd picture has her in a library, and I suddenly find myself intrigued. Sure enough, she is a professor. This could be interesting. So I read more.

Profile is somewhat generic, but authentic. Unfortunately, she is being authentic about not having much of a personality. She seems very sweet though, and I consider writing her for more pictures. But I don’t have that kind of time. I might be open to responding if she happened to contact ME, but she isn’t striking me as the “come to my office after school for some detention” type. So I move on.

8. Awful choice of pictures, but she happens to be a cute girl. Seems like the artsy type, but her profile is mostly generic language and adjectives without anything backing them up. She is cute though, and might just fit the mold of that ‘quiet-shy type looking to be pulled out of her shell’ that I like so much. She’s a maybe.

9. Cougar #2. She claims to be 40, but I am guessing that’s in dog years. And speaking of which, I just took a closer look at her photos. Worst part? I just moved my mouse to the top of the page to X her out, and noticed she is also divorced with three children! Please shoot me.

10. 36 years old. 2 headshots and one half-body shot, but it’s hard to tell how she looks. She claims to be 5’6 and 118lbs, but I’m not so sure. So we read on. Every sentence of her opening paragraph starts with “I am” or “I like.” Blah blah blah blah blah. Total generic job. And come to think of it, her pictures are a bit out of focus. NEXT.

11. 4 pictures, 2 of them are (awful) webcam shots and the other two have her in sunglasses. Grammar errors in her opening paragraph. This chick is a mess. She’s out.

12. Divorced, one kid. Her age says 40, but that probably means she was born on a leap day. No need to go on.

So in the end, I am left with 1, 2 and 8.

Admittedly, I would not deem any of these 12 women ‘exceptional’ – which has become my standard for taking the time to write to anyone online these days. But if I had to go with one of them, I would choose #2.

Woman #8 seems ok, but I am going to have to do all the work here. And her pictures, while cute, were not exactly blowing me away to the point where I would be willing to expend that kind of effort. So she’s out.

Woman #1 seems like she would be a major pain in the ass. She has that ultra-competitive vibe to her that works well in business but not so much in relationships.

Woman #2 is definitely the coolest and most fun of the bunch. I like what she wrote in her profile and how she said it.

Here’s her intro:
"I love a good laugh... not just any kind of laugh though... I prefer the embarrassing and somewhat inappropriate laugh during a meeting, or a case of uncontrollable giggles. I love learning bizarre little things about people. I am a Jew who loves bacon. I am a bit of a morning person. As far as sports... I was born into unconditional love for the Yankees. I am in touch with my girly side... because let's face it; a good pedicure never hurt anyone. I worship New York City. I even venture out into the boroughs from time to time for a good stoop sale or the best homemade ice cream. I am looking for someone who when they call I always want to pick up the phone, someone who can appreciate a fantastic meal anywhere, someone who isn't perfect, someone who appreciates the little things in life, and someone who gets me."

Yep, I'll take my chances with her.

I would LOVE to see the female version of this. If any of you ladies think you’re up for the challenge, pick a random guy’s profile and shoot me an email at Alexander@ApproachDynamics.com with your honest, no-holds-barred findings.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Online Dating: 'My Perfect First Date'

Regardless of which dating websites you are using, there are going to be a series of short answer questions included as part of your online profile. Some essays, such as ‘About Me' and ‘The Person I am Looking For' are pretty much universal to all online dating sites (and what we at Online Dating Edge assist you with creating - click here for more info).

In addition to the basics, each website also has their own unique set of paragraphs. These additional sections of your profile are PRIME opportunities to show off your creative side - so don't overlook them!

JDate, for instance, has a section entitled, "My Ideal First Date." Not only is this question a good opportunity to show your sense of humor and originality, but you can also find out some interesting info on others by reading what they have to say.

For example, if a woman is talking about fancy restaurants and swanky lounges rather than a quiet place where the two of you can get to know one another, you may have a gold digger on your hands. On the same note, if a guy is talking about 'long walks on the beach' or 'dinner and a movie' while looking forward to calling you the next day, the WUSS alarm should be going off.

Here is an example of a guy's answer to this JDate question (sent by one of our female readers):
********
My Ideal First Date:

It's not where you are but who you are with right? If we're on a first date, I'm talking you to COSTCO. It has plenty of delicious free samples for us to chow on. There is usually a good movie in the TV section. They sell clothes and books, so we can talk reading and fashion. The home section has swings and a fountain (very romantic!). To get an a bit of a rush, we can go and smell the new tire stacks. Guess whats next to COSTCO? That's right. Home Depot. But that would have to be a second date.
********

I don't think he realizes it, but this guy is actually ON to something. Stores with many different departments are FUN places to go for a first date. But putting aside the creativity of his answer for a moment, there are a few things this guy can do to GREATLY improve this response. Here they are:

1. Grammar, grammar, grammar - Missing commas, sentence fragments, a lost apostrophe and getting 'an a bit of a rush' will KILL your profile. It also detracts from your central message.

2. Lack of mystery - By identifying the place and specifically what he intends to do there, this dude has essentially RUINED the possibly of using this as an actual date (which is a shame, because this is a GREAT idea). Why would a woman be excited about going somewhere when she knows everything that is going to happen ahead of time?

This dude could have accomplished the SAME result (and MORE) by saying something along the lines of the following:

"I am going to take you to a place you have NEVER been for a first date. Somewhere SO obvious, yet so elusive. Imagine having an INFINITE number of exciting things to do, all under one roof! If you think you can handle it, that is. If not, I hear that the guy two profiles before me is into long walks on the beach and Michael Jackson records."

3. Slight change of venue - Costco is a madhouse. There is stuff piled up everywhere, the aisles are crowded, and the foosball table is missing a goalie (and all the balls!). There is also no sofa to sit on while you attempt to watch your romantic movie on the 13 inch tv/vcr combo. Great idea, wrong spot.

Tomorrow we are going to examine one of my favorite places for a creative, yet inexpensive first date... stay tuned!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Online Dating - The First Email: Don't Be a Jackass

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Guys... here are some examples of what NOT to do when sending a first email (as sent to us by their unfortunate recipients - thanks ladies!). If any of your opening messages sound even remotely close to these, you need to contact us IMMEDIATELY.

If any of y'all have more examples of disastrous emails, send em along!

********
My name is XXX and i'm from manhattan, i'm real sua - ve, but no, i'm not latin, you look cute and nice so give me some adivce; how do i contact you...so i can bring you some rice, ...and beans, not jeans, no, cause they're too expensive, deisel, seven, yo, that stuff is junk, gimmie some carhartt, i ain't no punk...cause i was born here! word.

********
Just want to say hi my name is XXX I am a director of photography / editor in New York City, I would like to thank you for helping me to finally understand what the expression breath taken really means? YOU!!!!! This is not a line that is exactly what I felt when I saw your picture. I do not know how to sale myself or how to play this on line dating thing nor I care to learn how to do it because I am not into playing games, in business I have an agent and a manager to sale me with you all I know I would love to meet you and through my actions let you know the kind of person I am. It will be honor to have the opportunity get to know you... XXX

********
After 10 years bouncing between Boston and DC for school, jobs, gradschool, etc, I was summoned – like Batman seeing the bat-signal in thesky - to undertake a revolutionary adventure I couldn't refuse -rebuilding a government from the ground up….here on Long Island.

But it's odd to be suddenly thrust into suburbia - hence my foray into jdate - and frequent cathartic trips to the city. It's gorgeous whereI live though - Port Jefferson, on the harbor – and very much lookingforward to summer in the Hamptons and on Fire Island.

You should know that I think it's important to have a good time, andeven do absurdly silly things, especially while you're changing theworld. And to help along the way, I have a crazy puppy-like Siamesecat who wears a Jets helmet and a cape.
********

Online Dating - When Teasing Goes Terribly Wrong

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Alexander,

I wanted to let you know about a little exchange that took place online a little while back. I was writing a bunch of women, and I came across this one profile. Cute girl, but her profile was one of those generic, cut and paste deals. Now I normally pass those over, but I decided this time that I was going to have some fun and see if I could find something to write. Her profile was virtually useless, so I decided to take a closer look at her pictures.

She had this one picture that totally stood out. She was wearing this white dress that looked like it was from the 1700s with a red sash around her waist. She looked like a cross between Martha Washington and a matador. Bingo! I had my opener...

"I gotta tell you XXX, I really dig that bullfighting outfit... did u win? Well, no matter - I guess all I need to do now is decide whether to dress up as a bull or a PETA protester and we have ourselves a Halloween date. I’ll drive (unless, of course, Im the bull... then we can cab it ;)

Talk soon,
D "

To my dismay, here was her reply...

"Dear Tool,

You have a real way with the ladies...insulting as a form of flirting? Go back to your manual of "How NOT to be a asshole" and let me know when you've brushed up on your skills. "

And my response...

"Yikes... I figured anyone who would wear something like that would have a pretty good sense of humor. Guess I was wrong. Best of luck."

Thought you guys would get a kick out of that one.

D
New York

********MY COMMENTS********

Dear Tool (I LOVE it!),

A bullfighter that looks like Martha Washington? Perhaps its time to find you another dating website.

But seriously guys, there is actually a lot to learn here. This girl happens to be quite attractive. Nonetheless, I think our friend here was clearly being playful, and did not deserve that kind of reaction. But this is a good thing.

A lot of guys I speak to have a fear of initiating a conversation with a woman - either online or in person. But since this is an article on online dating, I'll stick with that one.

Let me ask you. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you if you write to a girl online? a) she doesnt write you back; or b) she shows your email to a bunch of her friends and after they all laugh at what a tool you are, she writes you back and tries to insult you.

Well guys, you have just witnessed the worst-case scenario of what could happen to you online. And guess what? It's fucking funny!

Not only that, but this guy has now weeded out an immature, uptight girl that has absolutely no sense of humor right from the beginning. Can you imagine dating someone like this? Constantly walking on eggshells evey time you say something for fear you might offend her. NO woman is cute enough to have to endure that.

Teasing from the get-go is also a good test to see if the girl you are writing to is fun and has a sense of humor. If she doesn't, then just move on to the next one. There are SO many women online - no use wasting your time on some ice queen that still hasn't gotten over the fact that she didn't get a bicycle for her seventh birthday.

An important lesson from one of my previous posts is to never be afraid to offend someone. As long as you are coming from a place where you are being playful and not malicious, you will be fine. What someone else thinks about you is none of your business - it's THEIR problem. Remember, this is all supposed to be fun.

Happy dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge