Online Dating Website Review: Chemistry.com

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With Valentine's Day right around the corner, now would be a good time to set yourself up on one of the various online dating websites. But with so many out there, which one do you choose?

I have been a long-time subscriber to three online dating sites - match.com, jdate.com and chemistry.com. Each of them have their merits, as well as their drawbacks. Over the next week or so, we will take a peek at each of these three sites.

Chemistry.com:

I was one of the chartering members of this site when it first began in 2006. Since then, they have come a long way in attracting quality women.

How it works:

The overall concept is similar to that of eHarmony.com - sans the 200+ question survey (and the prospect of being REJECTED after investing all that time filling it out). You may have seen Chemistry.com's recent advertising campaign where they feature people that eHarmony rejected.

But as is the case with eHarmony, Chemistry.com does not give you the option of searching for potential matches. Rather, matches are sent directly to your account - the number of which depends on your search criteria and your geographic area. I usually get about 4 per day.

Step 1 - Setting up your profile:

From what I recall, there are a number of questions you have to answer in order to set up your profile (but nowhere near as many as eHarmony). And some of these questions were downright weird (i.e. describe the shape of your hand). But the majority of your profile is the same as it would be on any other dating website. When I joined, I had my match.com profile transferred directly over to Chemistry. I am not sure how it is now.

Step 2 - Choosing a match:

Once you have your matches sent to you by the website, you then have the opportunity to choose whether or not you are interested in that particular person. You do this by moving a sliding ruler to either the left (not interested) or the right (interested).

If you are interested in the other person (or vice-versa), they are then sent an e-mail and given the opportunity to choose whether or not they are interested in you. If they are, it's on! If not, the match is removed from your inbox and you are no longer able to contact that person. Nothing personal, of course.

If there is a match, you then move to the next step which is known as "Relationship Essentials." This is basically a series of short questions in which you indicate your preferences for certain things. You do this by once again moving a sliding scale to the left or to the right. You then send your answers to the other person, and in return, they send you theirs for a compatibility check.

The good thing is that you only have to answer these questions once - as they are saved on the system (you are free to change your answers at any time). However, I don’t think anyone really pays attention to them, unless there is something specific you consider to be a dealbreaker (i.e. "earns a good living").

Once you make it through this section, you then move on to the short answer questions. In the short answer section, each person has the opportunity to ask their counterpart two questions that require a type-written answer. The website gives you the option of creating your own questions, or choosing from a series of pre-written ones that are on the website.

But do yourself a favor and come up with your own - I can't tell you how many compliments I have received from women for not asking the same questions as everyone else. If you need help coming up with some, read our article on "The Use of Qualifying Questions."

Sadly, most people end up using Chemistry’s stock questions. So here is a tip – once you come up with an answer to these pre-written questions, save them as a word document so they can be reused next time! The ones I usually get are, "What are your guilty pleasures?,” and "What is the most important thing you have learned from a past relationship?"

Once you make it through this stage (and assuming both parties are still interested – either side can choose to close the match at any time), you are then free to e-mail each other on the website. At this point you are pretty much on your own.

Advantages:

1. Quality of women – Overall, I have been pretty impressed with the women I have met on Chemistry.com. I have found them to be well-educated, articulate and more serious about seeking a long-term relationship than their counterparts on other dating sites.

2. It's easy to use – after you make the initial time investment setting up your profile, it is pretty much automated from there on. Even the short answer questions become almost 'cut and paste' after a little while.

3. It 'forces' you to have a 'back and forth' with a woman before you get to the email stage. By the time you get to the e-mail stage, you actually feel as if you almost know the person. This makes it easier to send an e-mail (and subsequently ask for her number), as a little bit of rapport has been developed. I have been doing this sort of thing for years, but for some people that tend to be a little too eager online, this 'forced delay' is a good move.

Disadvantages:

1. You can't search for matches – You are left at the mercy of the Chemistry gods for your potential dates. Plus, you only get about four matches per day, and there is no way to prevent the website from sending you matches without photos. As you know, profiles without photos are to be automatically deleted.

2. The website also offers users an option to reveal their photographs at a later step, rather than at the time you are initially viewing their profile. This is unacceptable. If they can see your pictures, you should have every right to see theirs. If you run into one of these profiles, just delete it.

3. Customer service leaves a little to be desired. I recently had an issue on the website, and after speaking with customer service, I was promised it would be taken care of. It was not. I had to send two follow-up e-mails before my problem was fixed.

Conclusion:

By far, the most important factor in choosing an online dating website is the quality of people you are going to meet. In this respect, chemistry.com has delivered the goods. I highly recommend this site.

And as for my issue with customer service, while annoying, the fact of the matter is that you are not going to have to deal with them very often. But at least they speak English, so you won't have to worry about dealing with "Ricky" from Bangalore.

For a free seven-day trial of Chemistry.com, click the link below:



Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Should I Buy a Gift for Valentine's Day?

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Regardless of whether it's a holiday, birthday, or other "special event", buying a gift for a "significant other" is a tough decision. There are so many situations and circumstances that there is no one answer for these two tough questions: Should I buy a gift for....? What should I buy for....?

Valentine's Day is a tricky "holiday". Most guys just want to get through it, some women despise it, others pine for it. The bottom line when dealing with this holiday is to know how you feel and how your partner feels.

As Valentine's Day is just around the corner, we pose these questions and scenarios, along with some helpful advice:

1. We just started seeing each other and I don't know if I should get something for Valentine's Day:

The first 60-90 days of your interaction with someone you just met can be looked at as a ‘probationary period.’ This is the time where you guys are still feeling each other out, and deciding where you see things going. This is NOT the time to start doing things like buying gifts, taking her on vacation or introducing her to your friends/family.

While most people understand this, an issue arises when an event such as Valentine’s Day or her birthday comes up during this early phase. People want to do the right thing – but have no idea what that is.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that if you are wondering what to do about Valentine’s Day, then you are actually interested in that person. So let me ask you this – what have been doing up until now to maintain that person’s interest in you? And if what you are doing is working, why would you all of a sudden change that and start buying them things?

If you have only been out with someone a couple of times, it is still too soon to worry about Valentine’s Day. But if you decide to do anything, tread carefully – ESPECIALLY if you have not made up your mind about the other person (or if you don’t know where they stand). You don’t want to scare anybody off or start giving out a ‘relationship’ vibe if you have not yet decided that this is what you want.

Of course, what you eventually wind up doing is up to you. But here are some good rules of thumb to follow:

• Don't be one of those chodes on line at the florist, waiting for your turn to get price-gouged. WAY too soon for that stuff;
• Don't be that tool who buys the big heart box of assorted cheap chocolates from your local drug store. She WILL notice;
• Don't start writing page-long love poems about how we were meant for one another. This is one of the easiest ways you can scare someone off! Remember, you guys just recently met.
• Do keep things simple. You just started seeing him/her. This should not be thought of as an opportunity to try and buy affection – and doing so will hurt you in the long run.

2. We just started dating exclusively and I don't know what to get my boyfriend/girlfriend for Valentine's Day:

When it comes to things like gifts, flowers, etc., I have always been a big proponent of giving them when she least expects it. There is something really special about the ‘no reason, I was just thinking of you’ gift – as long as you are truly giving that gift unconditionally (i.e. without any ulterior motives).

Here is an example. Think of that situation where a guy walks up to a complete stranger in a bar and the first words out of his mouth are, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” Can someone be any more of a tool?

Now think of the scenario where a guy has been talking to a woman he just met for a little while, and then says to her, “Hey, I am going to get a drink – what do you want?”

In both situations, the guy buys the woman a drink. But the first guy clearly has an agenda, and is hoping that by ‘buying’ her something, he will get something in return (an opportunity to speak with her). The second guy, however, is coming from a frame where he has already been interacting with her and is not expecting anything in return for his gesture. He really just wants her to have a drink. It’s a subtle difference, but a significant one.

The same rule applies to gifts. You should be giving your girlfriend/boyfriend gifts and/or flowers because you WANT to, not because some dildo at Hallmark has guilt-tripped you into it. Plus, if you need something like a holiday to get you to do something nice for your significant other, you have bigger issues than worrying about what you are going to buy.

So if you guys have just become exclusive, first off congrats! Make sure you keep doing what you have been doing up until now and don’t turn into a wussbag. But as for Valentine’s Day, it’s time to get creative!

If you guys have been together for less than, say, 5-6 months, it is still too soon to start buying her expensive gifts. But you are NOT off the hook – not by a long shot.

As with everything else we talk about, you want to make sure you are NOT doing the same things everyone else does. She is going to go into work the next day and hear the same thing over and over from her co-workers, "he got me flowers, took me to dinner and got me a card." Boring! Be the guy that took her to a concert, ice skating or for a romantic drive/walk. Can you cook? AWESOME! Make her dinner (plus she is already back at your place!).

Now as far as a gift, I would definitely get her something. But again, make sure it is something you have put a lot of thought and creativity into. Price doesn’t matter (and if it does, you know what you need to do…). Is she a bookworm? Get her something from Amazon. Is she into music? Burn her a mix CD or pick up a box set of her favorite band. For some more ideas, use our Amazon search box below:



The bottom line is to make sure that the night is all about her. Just like some of those other 'greeting-card holidays,' suck it up and deal with it. But make it more about spending time with her and less about what day it happens to be.

3. We have been dating (or married) for awhile and I don't know what to get my boyfriend/girlfriend for Valentine's Day:

By this point you know whether you are in the, "I hate Valentine's Day" camp (congratulations) or in the, "How sweet, a day when we can express our love for one another" scenario (I have felt your pain). Either way, enjoy your time together. Worst case scenario? You suck it up for one day and your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife is made happy.

Here are some gift ideas:

Romatic: Sounds cliche, but sometimes cliches are nice, a good bottle of wine, flowers, delicious home cooked food, sweet dessert, and imagination....

Sexy: Try out these two well known stores. You'll find something you both love!



Useful/Different:
For him- GPS Device, Kindel, watch, or iPod.
For her - Retro gift basket, Jewelry Box, spa gift certificate

4. I am single again this Valentine’s Day and want to meet someone already:

First off, congratulations! Making the decision to finally do something about it is the first step.

So what to do? For starters, perhaps it's time to join a online dating site. We can certainly help you with that. Stay tuned over the next couple of days, as we will be reviewing some of the more popular dating sites out there.

Or if you are already a member of an online dating website, it's time to do some work on your profile and/or your photos. For assistance with writing a captivating online dating profile that will have people contacting YOU, click here.

And for you guys out there, if you are stuggling with women (either online or in person) and haven't already picked up a copy of David Deangelo's book, 'Double Your Dating,' you can grab your copy by clicking the link below. This book was the starting point for literally THOUSANDS of guys who have improved their dating skills with women. Present company included...



Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Dinner on a First Date?

For more information about our services, including assistance with online dating profile writing, as well as workshops and seminars on approaching women and starting conversations, click here.


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Don’t even think about it.

It kills me how unoriginal some guys are when it comes to planning a date. How are you going to stand out from the last five guys she dated if you are doing the same things they did?

But before we get down to business, I want to point out that by 'first date,' I am referring to the first time you are out with a woman you have already met in person. If this is someone you met online, your 'First Meeting' should be for drinks in a place where you can bail if the other person is a total weirdo. Of course, you are free to change venue if things are working out.

Now let’s look at some of the reasons that going to dinner for a first date is a bad idea:

1. The dinner date has been grossly overdone and is disgustingly cliché – Ask any of your female friends how many times guys have taken her on a ‘dinner and a movie’ date (a movie, by the way, is the only first date idea WORSE than dinner – how can you get to know someone while staring at a screen for 2 hours?). A dinner date lumps you into the same category as every other chode she has been out with. Be different! A quick Google search should give you PLENTY of creative ideas for a first date.

2. It is unnecessarily expensive - One thing I have learned from the 2 or 3 dates I have been on in the last 10 years is that there is absolutely no correlation between how much money I have spent on a date and how much fun we had. In fact, if anything, there is an INVERSE relationship.

Now by no means am I saying for you to be cheap – quite the contrary. But I see no reason to needlessly waste extra money on an activity that is not going to yield you positive results in return.

And then there is the gold-digger factor. Women who are truly interested in you could care less where you guys go for a date – it’s all about the company. But gold-diggers, professional daters (those that will only go out with you because they have nothing better to do that night) and other losers expect to be compensated for their time.

You need to weed out those women out ASAP before they make your life a living hell - and an expensive restaurant is NOT the place to do it. They will be offended by your offer of a bowling/pool date and flake on you - but this is a good thing!

My mentor Doc Love once said, “If women stopped going out with guys they weren’t interested in, half the restaurants in town would go out of business.” He couldn't be more right.



3. It restricts your ability to interact with her - You are sitting across a table from one another. There are probably a number of dishes, glasses and other items in between the two of you. If the place is noisy, you have to lean in to hear each other. How are you supposed to gague her body language under these conditions? If she is laughing at one of your jokes, how is she supposed to tap you on the arm? How can you start a thumb-wrestling match or show her the Beer Trick if you are too far away? Restaurants are a obstacle, not an asset, for a first date.

4. It can be perceived as manipulative - Assuming you have chosen an emotionally healthy woman with good morals, the more expensive the restaurant, the more she will wonder what is wrong with you that you have to spend all this money to try and impress her. And if she doesn't like you, she will then start to feel guilty about you paying for everything. Then she will start to wonder if you going to be expecting any 'return' on your investment, which will creep her out even more. Let's not forget our buddy Darren from JDate.

5. It sets up the wrong overall ‘vibe’ for your interaction with her - Rather than just being two people enjoying each other's company while trying to get to know one another, this type of situation puts her into 'date' mode with all the accompanying features (trying to qualify you, holding back physical intimacy, etc.).

It also sets a bad precedent. If you dropped 100 dollars on date one, you have now set a benchmark in her mind. If date 2 is a lot less expensive (unless you have found the err of your ways and come up with something ultra-creative), she may start to wonder if you were just showing off the last time you were out.

So what to do instead?

Do something interactive. Bowling, pool, darts, foosball or a bar with board games is always a good place to start. How about a museum? Or the zoo? Or if you REALLY want to score some points, show her that you are the first guy in the history of mankind that actually listened to her, and take her somewhere she said she enjoys.

And if you ABSOLUTELY feel the need to acquire some nourishment while out, make it seem like it is spur of the moment. "Hey, I'm STARVING. There is a good [Italian, Mexican, Viking] restaurant not too far from here... join me."

Happy Dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Esquire Magazine's "What She Really Wants"

For more information about our services, including assistance with writing a captivating online dating profile, as well as workshps and seminars on how to approach women, click here.


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What She Really Wants

Is giving up your seat a show of respect or an act of outdated chauvinism? A panel of actual women tell all!

Have you ever found yourself entering a building and wondering whether you should hold the door for that woman approximately 10 feet behind you? Or sitting on the subway and trying to decide whether it would be appropriate to give up your seat for that cute girl that just got on? You're not alone.

In this day and age, that fine line between being a gentleman and looking like a jackass has become more and more hazy. A lot of guys truly want to do the right thing - they just don't know what it is. And complicating matters more is the fact that there is very little information out there on how to handle these situations.

Esquire magazine has recently come out with a brilliant article that attempts to answer these and other questions. This is one of those Cosmo-like articles for guys, but it's actually well worth the thirty-second read.

Also note that any of these situations can lead to openings for conversation - except maybe a woman crying.

Funny story about a crying woman though. About a week or so ago, while in San Diego, I jumped out of my car to give the person waiting for my spot a parking permit that had time remaining on it. Figured I'd do the nice thing and save them ten or fifteen bucks.

I offer the permit and realize the driver is a sobbing hottie. She proceeds to tell me how her boyfriend just dumped her (we just met and I'm her therapist?) and she was going out with some friends. I could have taken advantage of this, but I'm a nice guy and was in a rush. I gave her the ticket and she offered me half of what was left on it. I responded, "No thanks, have a better night," and walked away.

Chivalry or stupidity?

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics


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8 First Date Tips for Women (or Men)

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While surfing through the cyber world, I happened upon this article:

8 First Date Tips for Women
First dates are all about getting to the second date. Here's how to make him fall all over himself for a second date with you
By Lauren Frances

I figured ok, lets see what the other side is thinking. Guess what? We are thinking the same thing! Here is a brief run-down of her tips:

Tip 1. Don't be negative. Remember, this should be fun.
Tip 2. Don't get tipsy. (Read: Fraternity days are gone- goodbye "Frank the Tank")
Tip 3. Don't talk about exes.
Tip 4. Be confident. Confidence breeds success.
Tip 5. Keep your issues to yourself. Your date is not your therapist!
Tip 6. Don't chase him or her.
Tip 7. Don't yap for the sake of yapping.
Tip 8. If things are not up to snuff, get out gracefully. (Read: don't be a jerk)

For the most part, this is pretty good advice. However, I do have an issue with #6, where the author states, 'Don't chase your date. Never deprive a man of the thrill of the chase.'

While as a guy, you should always be initiating, it is nice to get some sort of an indicator of interest every once in a while from the woman - whether it be a simple text message, phone call or e-mail. For a woman to "entice men, play with them, and release them" may send a false signal to the guy that she is not interested - which could result in a guy prematurely backing off.

Bottom line - if you are a woman interested in a guy, let him initiate -- but at the same time, don't act too aloof. You may scare him off. As a guy, if you're interested in a woman, take the lead and call her up for another date. If she is not interested, she will let you know.

But remember the truest point of all, as we have said many times before... DATING SHOULD BE FUN! If you are not having fun on your dates, you are doing something wrong.

Happy dating!



Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Signs a Woman is Interested in You

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.

With Stephen and I on our way to San Diego, here's Michelle Hill with her take on how you can tell if a woman is interested in you. Look for my response in the next day or so...

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So, you’re out on a first date with a girl, and for the life of you, you can’t figure out if she’s into you or not. Sound familiar? If it does, let me apologize on behalf of women out there like myself who aren’t very good at sending the classic signals (or in Mystery terms, “indicators of interest”) that guys use to read a woman.

I’ll be the first to admit it – it can me a little while to feel comfortable around people sometimes. So while I may be interested, I’m not always quite sure how to demonstrate that. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still done okay, but I’ve been told on more than one occasion by boyfriends that they had no clue if I was interested on the first date.

To fill in the gaps, here are some clues to look for that will give some indication that she digs you and wants to go out again:

- She spends more than an hour and a half with you
- She changes location with you
- She leans in towards you or stands close to you (anything increasing the proximity is good)
- She gives you her full attention (and is not looking at anyone or everyone who walks by)
- She comes back from the bathroom with her hair freshly combed / makeup reapplied / top button undone (you get the idea)
- At the end of the night, there is some awkward maneuvering when saying good night (i.e. she’s not clear if you’re going to kiss her on the cheek or the lips or give her a hug or what, but she wants you to do something)
- After the date, she contacts you in ANY way, shape or form – text, email, phone call (doesn’t matter what she says)

I know this is not the ideal situation and that it would be much easier if we all just said, “by the way, I’m into you”, but nothing is ever that simple. And let’s face it; the guessing game can be half the fun. But, hopefully I’ve given you some guidance to figuring out those enigmatic women like myself.

-Michelle Hill
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Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Online Dating: The Use of Qualifying Questions

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach workshops, click here.

I am almost afraid to give this one away.

One thing that has propelled my success online (other than changing my job description) is the use of creative, informative questions that help you really get to know a woman.

Women are sick and tired of guys asking them the same retarded questions about where they are from, where they went to school, etc. Get creative!

Other than our presentation in Boston last summer, I have yet to see anyone address this stuff - until now. Here is a great article from Yahoo Personals entitled, Great questions for sparking online conversations.'

In the article, author Rad Dewey (with Jaime Rodriguez, Jr.) gives actual, word for word examples of questions you can use immediately with women online. These include the following:

1. If our moms were setting us up on a blind date, what three things would your mom tell mine about you?

2. What's your favorite beach in the world?

3. What's the next country you want to visit?

4. What one thing are you craving today?

5. What CDs are in your car or home stereo right now?

6. What are three of your guilty pleasures?

7. What was the last book you read? Did you enjoy it?

8. What is must-see TV for you?

9. If you met the right person, how many children would you have?

(Dewey, Rad. "Great questions for sparking online conversations." Yahoo Personals, 2007. See above for URL link).

Now ideally, you are going to want to come up with your own questions - but these are definitely a good start. I tested the first one out yesterday and got a 169 word response - to that question alone!

But do yourself a favor and stick to the author's suggestions. A lot of people chimed in at the bottom with questions they use, and most of them are either too situation-specific or just flat out suck.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics