Online Dating: First Meeting Conversation Topics

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Ok, great! You scored her digits, set up a first meeting, and now you are going to meet her for the first time. What in the world are you guys going to talk about?

As Doc Love always says, “keep it light, keep it funny. No heavy subjects, no put-downs and no negatives.”

Here are some ideas of specific topics you can bring up on a first meeting:

1. The environment you are in – Are you at a pool hall, bar/lounge or bowling alley? Do some people watching and comment about what is going on. Is someone wearing a really goofy outfit? Did someone just put 'Love Shack' on the jukebox? Do you see a couple on a first date, and one of them is clearly not interested in being there? Fun stuff!

2. Online dating experiences – make sure you have at least three really good funny/horror stories you can tell. Rehearse them ahead of time so you can bust one out at will.

But make sure the stories don’t make YOU look like a jackass. Pick something funny (girl was a weirdo, something goofy happened) and make sure you end the story by showing that you did the proper thing for that situation.

Now if you are going to tell a story about a psycho chick, be careful! If she is TOO out there, you may lose points for not being able to weed her out sooner.

3. Anything you guys have in common – Did you go to the same college? Were you both at the Dave Matthews concert in Central Park? Do you know any of the same people? Try to make as many connections as possible with her.

But again, a word of caution. If you guys each know someone, but you don’t get along with that person (or they have some embarrassing dirt on you), you might want to consider keeping quiet about knowing them (or maybe even go as far as keeping them away from each other, depending on the circumstances).

4. Pop Culture – Did she catch any of that ‘Client 9 Radio’ station on Sirius? Does she know the name of the bicycle shop owner from that Diff’rent Strokes episode? Who would she rather have in her deadpool – Amy Winehouse or Britney Spears? Ok, maybe not that one.

Before you go out, scan PerezHilton.com or TMZ.com or grab a copy of US Weekly. Figure out what is hot in celebrity news and debate her on it.

Also, another good website for date material is Overheard in New York.

And here is some stuff your should NEVER talk about:

1. Situations where you screwed up on a date – Did some snotty girl pull something on you and get away with it? Shh! Did some Russian girl scam you into a $200 dinner and then turn away when you went for a kiss? Never happened. How about that time you took a gulp of something and snarfed it up all over your date? You get the picture.

2. Your job – She doesn’t want to hear about it. And if she does, you may have trouble on your hands. All you need to convey to her is that you are gainfully employed, ambitious and have a positive attitude about things.

There is, however, an exception to this rule. You are free to talk about DRAMA from the office. If two girls in HR are sleeping together or some guy just got promoted by blackmailing the boss, that’s all fair game. Make them almost sound like characters in a play (that she may get to meet one day!). But again, make sure your stories don’t make you look like a dumbass.

3. Physical ailments, how much you hate the world or any other complaints – I once had a girl on the phone tell me all about her irritable bowel syndrome. And after she excited me with THAT topic, she tried to shift into drill sergeant/job interview mode. She did not get a date.

4. And from our article, “The First Meeting,” here are some other topics to avoid:

"Topics to avoid at all costs - Physical ailments, rape or violence, Star Trek, anything self-deprecating, anything overtly sexual, your arrest record, Dungeons and Dragons, ex-girlfriends, that time that you got drunk and wet yourself, religion, politics, marriage, children." '

I would add Beavis and Butthead to that list, as much as it kills me to do so.

The bottom line is to make sure you keep the conversation light and funny. Remember, it’s the first time you guys are out – there will be plenty of time later to show her your Eric Cartman impersonation (and if she digs it… marry her!). Ask yourself if this is something that will be of interest to her, or is it going to bore her or make you look stupid. Keep that in the back of your mind and you’ll be fine.

Happy Dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2008 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Hope and Frustration With Online Dating [article]

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An article entitled, Online dating brings hope and frustration , by Natalie Armstrong, caught my eye today on the Yahoo news page. Recent research by Susan Frohlick, an anthropology professor at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, concluded the following for 30+ year old women who take part in online dating:

1. Women feel empowered by online dating;
2. Women want the man to make the first move;
3. Women expect men to pick up the check;
4. The biggest complaints the have include: "men who are looking for much younger women... men who misrepresent their looks, interests or marital status, or who show little interest in moving the relationship offline."

They actually had to do a study to figure this out?

As we at Approach Dynamics have said repeatedly:

1. Make your move and send her an email. Find the one or two things in her profile that are unique to her and use that as your opener. Do NOT send a wink/tease - unless, of course, you want to let her know you have no balls.
2. Never lie in your profile. There is nothing worse than starting off a relationship with a material misrepresentation.
3. Get to a first meeting ASAP. Do not waste your time sending emails back and forth. You only have a limited window with a woman online before she moves on to the next guy. Ask for her number on the second or third email, and then call her within a day or so to set up a first meeting.
4. Always pick up the tab on the first meeting. Chivalry is not completely dead. That being said, however, make sure she at least offers to pay when the check comes (which you will refuse, of course). If she doesn't, you may have a problem on your hands.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Flaky Women: Question From a Reader

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Alexander,

If a girl i met online leaves me a voicemail less than an hour before we are supposed to meet for the first time flaking on me, do I owe her the courtesy of a callback acknowledging I got her message?

********MY COMMENTS********

NO.

You don't owe her ANYTHING.

An hour before you are supposed to meet? Are you kidding me?

If you are anything like me, by this point you have already turned down several other offers for plans, shined your shoes and have made sure the place you are going to has a good table waiting for you. Hell of a way to make a first impression, eh?

Anyone who does this last minute is telling you that they are incapable of keeping their word and have absolutely no consideration for other people's time.

I have been giving our previous article on this topic some more thought, and I am feeling more and more comfortable with my gut reaction to just get rid of her (unless, of course, it is something serious like a death in her family or she got mauled by a woodpecker).

The last time someone cancelled on me last minute, I called her back and said in my voicemail, "Yeah, no worries. You ACTUALLY ended up doing me a really big favor." But I said it in such a way that she couldnt tell if I was referring to her or something else.

NEVER sound pissed in your message. You don't want to let her know that she got to you.

That's how I handle it. But again, I dont think a callback is compulsory under these circumstances.

Now if you REALLY want to have some fun with her, don't call her back, and then send her an email later that night apologizing for flaking on HER.

Tell her your phone died and you couldn't make it because something came up (pick ANYTHING), and you are sorry you did not have any way to get in touch with her. Apologize profusely, tell her you hope she wasn't waiting too long and ask her if there is any way you can make it up to her.

See how she reacts. Always good fun!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Dating: How to Handle a Broken Date

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Alexander,

I wanted to get your advice on how to handle this situation.

I was supposed to meet a woman for a first meeting last week. I did what you said and called her with a specific plan as to where, when and what time to meet. She said yes.

About 45 minutes before we are supposed to meet, her name pops up on my cell phone’s caller ID. I didn’t answer it. She ends up leaving me a voicemail (sounding all apologetic) that she has to stay and finish up a project at work, but would "like a raincheck".

I end up calling her back and get her voicemail. I tell her that it’s too bad she can’t make it, but she should give me a call when she gets a chance and we can try and reschedule.

What should I do if she calls me back?

Craig from Phoenix

********MY COMMENTS********

You are handling it fine so far. DO NOT contact her again.

It was a good move putting the ball in HER court as far as rescheduling (isn't it funny how she just called you, but now all of a sudden can't answer her phone?). I also like how you said 'we can TRY and reschedule'. I hope that was intentional on your part.

In the event that she calls you again (and I don't think she will), there are two schools of thought as to how to handle it.

One approach would be to give her the benefit of the doubt and reschedule. Perhaps something really DID come up 45 minutes before you were supposed to meet (mind you, in seven years working as an attorney, I never had to cancel plans).

However, if you are considering this option, make sure you gauge her tone when she ends up calling you. First off, does she actually CALL you, or does she send a text or an email? Does she apologize again for canceling on you with such short notice? Does she offer to buy the first round of drinks? Or does she act as if what she did was perfectly normal, and wait for you to ask her out again?

Either way, if you DO end up rescheduling, keep the fact that she cancelled on you in the back of your head, and keep your eyes open for any other possible red flags.

And then there is MY general school of thought - THROW HER NUMBER AWAY.

Harsh? Maybe. But a broken date is UNACCEPTABLE. To quote Doc Love, “Women with high interest level don’t break dates. Am I going too fast for you guys?”

Call me old-fashioned if you wish, but if I give my word that I am going to do something, I do it. When it comes to dating, if I make plans with a woman to be somewhere at a certain time, I show up. If I get another offer for plans that night, I decline. To do otherwise is completely disrespectful. It's that simple.

And I am happy to say that the great majority of women I have met have also kept their word about plans. I have NEVER been stood up, and I think a total of three women have cancelled on me in the past four years. With so many quality women out there, why waste your time on someone that is, at best, unreliable?

In short Craig, unless she somehow manages to blow you over with how bad she feels about cancelling on you last minute, I would get rid of her. From my experience, this is just a sign of what's to come.

I once had a situation where a woman cancelled on me the afternoon of our first meeting because she was 'working late'. She didn't strike me as the flaky type, so I agreed to reschedule. After all, things DO come up, right?

We ended up going out and had a great time. I called her a few days later and made plans to meet again. She accepted. Sure enough, she sends me a text message the day we were supposed to meet and cancels on me AGAIN. Needless to say, I dropped her immediately. Lesson learned.

As Carlos Xuma says, "You teach people how to treat you with your behavior. Your time is valuable, isn't it? If your time isn't, neither are you."

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Dating: What if She Tries to Change Venue?

For more information about our services, including online dating profile rewrites and critiques, as well as live approach training, click here.

Ok, so you called her up, asked her out and she accepted. Great!

As we have said before, once you guys have definite plans to meet, do not speak again until the date (and NEVER accept anything other than definite, concrete plans to meet - a specific date, time and place are a MUST). There shouldn't be any reason for you to have to speak again beforehand.

But every once in a while, you will get a phone call or an email from the woman you are meeting asking you to change the location of your date. Here’s how to handle it...

There are two situations where a woman may try and pull a venue change on you - one is legitimate and the other is UNACCEPTABLE. I have had an experience with each of these scenarios.

A legitimate reason for her to ask you to change locations is if the place you chose is too far from where she lives, works, etc. The one time this happened to me, the woman I was meeting was going to be working late and asked if we could meet at a spot closer to her office. This is okay.

However, make sure that YOU are the one to choose the new spot. Respond to her with something like, “Sure, Union Square is fine. Meet me at 8 at Luna Park. Wear jeans and a cute top. Shoes are optional ;)”

Now the reason this is okay is because the request is NEIGHBORHOOD based, rather than VENUE based. But if she is trying to upgrade to someplace 'nicer' (i.e. more expensive), then you've got yourself a problem.

The one girl that pulled this on me was a piece of work. We were originally going to have drinks at a spot near Bryant Park (midtown Manhattan) for our first meeting. She then emailed me and asked if we could meet somewhere on the Upper East Side. Fine. I emailed her back with a new spot in that neighborhood.

I then get another email from her asking if we could meet at a certain lounge up there. She conveniently happened to choose a place where the drinks are 15-20 dollars each. So I wrote her back and said that I like the place that I chose, and we can figure out what happens from there. She then writes me back the morning of our meeting with a 'roomate crisis' and cancels. God bless her!

What I had on my hands here was a professional dater. These women don't care about the guys they go out with - they are just out for free food and entertainment at your expense. These women are very similar to gold-diggers, but where they differ is that professional daters are going out with you so they don't sit home bored that night, as opposed to going out to try and snag a 'rich guy'.

This is one of the main reasons why you should always choose a venue for a first meeting that is fun and inexpensive. You are essentially TESTING the woman to make sure she is of good character. Gold-diggers and professional daters HATE these type of activities, and will try and pull all sorts of games to get out of it. This is a GOOD thing - you have just weeded out someone that is not worth your time. Let her browbeat the next chode that comes along.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - All rights reserved
Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Man Lives With 100 Sex Dolls [video]

Got a dating question? Email us at Dating@ApproachDynamics.com



Update on the Boston Seminar:
We are all set for our seminar with the Boston Lair this Saturday, July 21. Stephen will be giving an approach presentation entitled ‘How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love a Conversation', while I will be speaking on internet dating. Specifically, I am going to be focusing on what to do from the time of your first ‘connection' with a woman online, until the first time you meet in person.

We are also expecting an appearance from the ‘Boston Mauler', who has vowed to expose himself to all of us (see the comments section of our article, ‘Dating: Take Her to Ikea').

If you are in the Boston area and would like to attend, or would like more information on joining the Boston Lair, drop us an email at Dating@ApproachDynamics.com and we'll set you up with the Lair guys.
********


Now why is it SO important to learn how to interact with women? So you don't end up like THIS guy...



Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / ApproachDynamics

Dating: Take Her to IKEA

Got a dating question? Drop us a note at Dating@ApproachDynamics.com

Yesterday we looked at a Jdater's essay about taking a girl to Costco for an ‘ideal first date'. I mentioned that this type of date is actually a GREAT idea, but Costco is probably not the best choice of venue. So if you are going to go this route (and be prepared to win points for being creative and ballsy), head over to IKEA.

Here's what you do. Start at the snack bar and grab some coffee and one of those Swedish desserts (nothing TOO messy). Then sit down at one of the kitchen tables and chat for a little while. From there, be creative. You can head to one of the sofas and start a pillow fight. Or you can grab a salesperson (if you can find one!) and tell him you are newlyweds who are expecting twins. Have him show you some bunk beds. And who knows? Maybe you'll get to try one of them out...

This date also gives you the opportunity to see HER creative side. Take her down to the marketplace and get her sense of style. See what kind of furniture, accessories and prints she is into. Are you guys gonna gel?

Now getting back to those points you are going to score. Ask yourself how many times this woman has been on the same boring 'dinner and a movie' date. Then try and guess how many guys have taken her to IKEA. Exactly. She'll be talking about this one for a LONG time. (TIP - scope the place out before your date and figure out your way around. Ikea is notoriously difficult to navigate).

It is also QUITE hard to spend a lot of money on an Ikea date. This is a FUN and INEXPENSIVE venue, and it also sets a good tone for future dates with her. After all, you really can't go anywhere but UP from here. Of course, have a plan for something else to do afterwards in case you want the date to continue.

You can set up the date with something like this:
"Hey, let's hang out [Sunday]. I am heading over to Ikea to grab a few things. You should come. Maybe I'll let you pick some stuff out..."

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Internet Dating: The First Email - Avoid Templates

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Somebody has been passing around an AWFUL template of a cut-and-paste first email to send to women. I have had six different people send me a variation of this garbage. I don't know where it came from, but you might wanna think twice about using it.

Here is the EXACT email (as forwarded to me by its recipient):

********
I think these things are odd, I mean who usually sends out an email to introduce themselves to someone new?

That being said, I like that you're creative. But if you don't like Seinfeld, we'll have to break up. :)

I suppose this is the part where I talk about myself, I'm intelligent, have my mind set on my goals and have been known to make a joke every now and then.

Tell me, what's the most spontaneous thing you've done lately?

Presumably we're both on here to meet someone new. Worst case, you might make a cool friend, so let's get together for a drink/coffee sometime.

Mike
********
Heh? What?

Put yourself in the shoes of a woman getting this email. How would you react?

First off, this email was clearly sent out, WORD FOR WORD, to a large number of women. This is INSULTING. You are telling her that she is just another random girl from the internet, and there is nothing in particular you found special about her. If you are not going to include something unique to that particular girl's profile, don't even bother sending an email. At the very least, include her name in there somewhere! Say what you want about the bullfighter chick, but at least that guy was original.

Then there is THIS perspective. Have you ever used a canned line (or a cut-and-paste email) on a woman and actually gotten a positive response, only to find that you have somehow lost some respect for the woman in the process?

I once sent the same 2-sentence email to ten women (a little more creative than what is above, AND I included their names) just to see what would happen. The entire process took me ten minutes, and I got two positive responses. But instead of being excited, I had a different, unexpected reaction. I remember thinking to myself that ‘hey, didn't she realize that was a line?' It was a little weird.

In short, before sending a first email to a woman, scan her profile closely. Find the one or two things in there that are truly unique to her (i.e. something only SHE could have written). THAT'S your opener. Of course, some profiles are going to have more uniqueness than others, but in reality, why would you want to write to someone with a generic profile anyway?

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part III of IV - The First Date and Beyond

www.ApproachDynamics.com

This is the third part of a four-part series. Click here for:
How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part I of IV- Introduction
How to Spot a Gold Digger: Part II of IV - The Initial Meeting
********
Sometimes you are not going to be able to determine whether you have a gold digger on your hands right away. Here’s a sampling of what to look out for. And by the way, the more you find yourself answering yes to these questions, the bigger a problem you have on your hands.

Planning the First Date:

Once you have set up a first date with her (a ‘first meeting’ for drinks if you met her online), did she seem excited to be seeing you or did she appear to be offended that you chose a café or a pool hall rather than a five-star eatery?

Also, after you set up the date/meeting, did she try and change venue on you to someplace ‘nicer’? If she does, REFUSE and stick to your original plan. See how she reacts. If she ends up flaking on you, congrats! You got off easy! And of course, DO NOT make any more plans with her.

But if it looks like she has a legitimate reason for changing venue (i.e. closer to where she lives), agree to move it to her neighborhood but choose a different place than she suggested. Again, see how she reacts. If it looks like it’s a problem, cancel and throw her number away. Then take some of that money you just saved and let us redo your profile or show you how to approach women!

The First Date:

On the first date/meeting, is she on time? If not, does she apologize and/or offer to buy you a drink? And by the way, NEVER wait more than 20 minutes for anyone.

When the waitress comes, does she order the most expensive drink on the menu? Does she try to hit you up for food, even though you made it clear that you were meeting for drinks? Does she mention money at all? [And by the way, "I don’t care about how much money a guy makes" is girl code for, "if I really didn’t care about money, I wouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place"]. And most importantly, does she make an offer to pay when the check comes (which you will refuse, of course), and did she say "thank you" for treating her?

The First 60 Days of the Relationship:

The first 60-90 days is the real probationary period for any new relationship, as this is the time where you guys are still getting to know each other and most of the ‘rules’ for the relationship are being formed. So here are some things to look out for during this time. Is she constantly expecting you to take her out all the time, or is she just as cool hanging out at home? Does she ever offer to take YOU out anywhere? Does she pay for anything? Does she OFFER to pay for anything? Is she constantly trying to find out how much money you make? Is she obsessed with your job/social status?

Here is the bottom line - would she still be dating you if you were suddenly flat broke, or if you woke up tomorrow and decided you didn’t want to be a lawyer/investment banker/actuary/etc. anymore?

So now that you know how to identify a gold digger, what pre-emptive steps can you take to avoid encountering one of these women in the first place? Well, you’re in luck. Stay tuned for Part IV of our series, How to Spot a Gold Digger - Avoidance.

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

Approaching Women in a Loud Envirornment

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Stephen,

I was at a small pub recently and there was a live band playing. About 10 minutes in, I spotted this really hot chick. We made eye contact, smiled at each other, clanked our beer glasses and started chatting. Unfortunately that's where it all went downhill. I was having a really hard time hearing anything she was saying. This was also the kind of place where there was no quiet area I could take her to. Eventually the conversation just fizzled out and we went back to our friends. Is there a better way to approach this kind of situation next time?

Lee
Ithaca, NY

********MY COMMENTS********

Some locations are just not conducive to conversation and approaching, and small bars with live bands playing are real tough. There are a couple of different ways to play this. First, there is ALWAYS a quiet or quieter area. Say to her, "Hey! Let's go somewhere a little more quiet," and search together. If she digs you, she'll probably enjoy the adventure! Also by moving to another spot with her, you have now (psychologically speaking) 'gone someplace with her' and she will feel more comfortable with you. Try it next time you meet a woman at a bar. You will be happy with the results.

You could also exit the conversation (hopefully leaving her wanting more) and then meet up again at an intermission. After all, the band is not going to be playing ALL night, and if this is a small place, you should bump into her again. So bide your time, my friend.

But it seems like the bigger issue was your lack of something to talk about. So work on your conversational skills, and give it another shot. Remember, each encounter is practice for the next one!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Online Dating Edge / Approach Dynamics

A 'Scientific Approach' to Dating

www.ApproachDynamics.com

I am happy to report that we have finally answered that question of yours from high school science class about how this (insert expletive here) is going to help you in real life. Here ya go...

The Scientific Method & Dating:

1. The Problem(s):
How do I find a date?
How do I find a girlfriend or boyfriend?
How do I find a partner?
How do I find a significant other?
How do I find a husband or wife?
How do I meet new people?

2. The Hypothesis:
I'll go out to bars and clubs (why is it that most people limit themselves to these two places? think outside the box!), ask friends to introduce me to other people or get an online dating membership.

3. Materials and Methods:
Ask pre-existing friends to help you out by introducing you to other people they know. Go to local hot spots or even keep your eyes open while going through the normal menutia of everyday life (i.e. smile and say hello to people while food shopping, browsing the bookstore or waiting on line at the bank). Get an online dating account with match, jdate, chemistry or any of the other dating sites out there. Decide what you are looking for.

4. Experiment:
Go out and have conversations with people and see what happens. Write your profile, email people, and set up some first meetings. Don't be a 'keyboard jockey' that just sits around looking at profiles. Let loose and have some fun.

5. Results:
Every date is practice for the next. What did I learn from the experience? Where can I improve next time? What were the positives and negatives? Alas, this starts getting easier!

6. Conclusion:
Do you have an interest in any of these people? Where do you see things heading? If it's a go, move on to the next step. If not? Wash. Rinse. Repeat cycle.

It's great when things flow neatly like this, but as we all know life isn't always linear - it often branches into many directions forming a complex web. Try and keep things as simple as possible and it will make life a lot simpler. Happy dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Going For the First Kiss

www.ApproachDynamics.com

We’ve all been there...

You meet a girl you like, get her phone number, chat for a little bit and then ask her out on a date. Then date night comes and you have a great time - and you are pretty sure she does too. She touches you several times, laughs at your jokes, ignores her cell phone and seems genuinely interested in getting to know you. As the date winds up, you are faced with that dreaded internal question of whether or not you should go for the kiss.

GO FOR IT!

Here is the rule. If you are interested in the woman you are out with, always go for the kiss at the end of the FIRST DATE. If it is a girl you met online, kiss her the SECOND time you are out (remember, the ‘first meeting’ with someone you met online is not the first ‘date’ - it is solely for the purpose of getting to know each other and deciding whether you want to see them again). Even if you can’t get a read on her interest level, go for it anyway - you have NOTHING to lose.

Now I am NOT saying that you should necessarily go for a full-scale makeout on a first date (but if you can, great!). Just give her a kiss on the lips and see how she handles it. If she kisses you back, awesome! Take her out again (and remember to keep escalating on future dates).

If she turns her head or says something lame like ‘I don’t kiss on the first date,’ throw her number away. Think back to your previous dates - did any of the ones that worked out have any problem kissing you early on? Didn’t think so.

Going for the kiss early on allows you to find out right off the bat if she is interested in you. You are also weeding out those women that are not interested in you as well as the ‘professional daters’ (who are only out with you because they enjoy the free food and entertainment men provide, but have no actual interest in the guys they date). For you economists out there, think of it as a ‘cost-effectiveness tool.’

You are also making a bold, confident move by kissing her. Not only does this raise your social value in her eyes, but it also separates you from the scores of other chodes that lacked the cojones to go for it.

Finally, it keeps you out of the dreaded ‘friend zone.’ You need to ignore that ‘chump’ voice in your head that keeps telling you that ‘this one is special, and if you try to kiss her and she rejects you, you will have screwed the whole thing up.’ If you don’t kiss her early on, she is going to start to wonder what is going on, and will start to lose attraction for you.

Good luck!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - Things That Make You Go Hmm

www.ApproachDynamics.com

**EDITOR’S NOTE - This is a revision of a previous draft of this article, which I have updated after it was brought to my attention that there was some confusion regarding my position on this issue. -AS

Here is a woman’s profile I happened to stumble across. Read this one closely - there’s a LOT going on here.

********
The art of online dating involves honing conversational and social skills within a very grey area, but there are ways to make the person you are dating, believe the words from your mouth are sweet like honey. "Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours." And he was right.

The secret to having a man's undivided attention is to ask him open-ended questions about his interests, and then seem completely fascinated by what he tells you. Ask him questions about what he tells you; do not merely sit there with nothing to contribute. A good conversationalist would also ask you questions about yourself as well, as he'll want to get to know you better. And even though you may feel so comfortable with someone you met online, certain topics remain taboo. These include your ex-boyfriends, health problems and daily grind. Try to keep the conversation flowing, stroking his ego and maintaining your air of mysticism. He'll be hanging at your every word.
********
Yes, this is an ACTUAL profile (copied, in its entirety, word for word).

Although she does hit on some of the basics for keeping a conversation going with someone you just met (asking open-ended questions, following up on topics he/she brings up, asking questions about your date, and avoiding topics such as exes, health problems and so on), she does so in a grossly misguided way. Some of these skills (channeled properly) are covered in our article on The First Meeting.

Needless to say, the author of this profile is an example of someone you want to stay far, far away from. It amazes me that someone would put their name (and picture!) alongside this profile in their search for a date, but at least it reminds the rest of us that there are some weirdos out there (both male and female), and we need to be alert so that we can avoid wasting our time, money and emotional energy with someone that is not right for us.

Alexander Stone and Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - Approach Dynamics / Online Dating Edge

Approaching Women - Eye Contact

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Stephen,

I had a question for you about eye contact. One of my major sticking points is when I lock eyes with a woman and she stares back. I know that the guy is not supposed to be the one to break eye contact first, and when you do look away you should look to the side or up (but NEVER down). My problem is that when we are staring at each other, what else am I supposed to do? In a perfect world, I would just go up and start talking to her. But what about those situations (i.e. a crowded subway, a busy street) where that would not be so easy to do? Do I smile at her, stick out my tongue or just keep looking at her? I think it gets a little weird after a few seconds. Also, if I am going to approach, do I maintain eye contact, or break the stare and make my move. Thanks a lot, and keep up the great work!

Scott
Brooklyn, New York

********MY COMMENTS********

Though seemingly simple for some, making eye contact and the resulting actions are a difficult task for many. Eye contact is a necessary step in approaching someone of interest, or in dealing with a significant other (do me, yourself, and your significant other a favor and just look into his or her eyes for a few moments today- you'd be surprised at how it can rekindle that flame!) Pardon my pontification, let me get back to your question. You make eye contact and it seems like an eternity, your knees lock, your heart's beating a mile a minute, and you feel choked up. Does that sum it up?

Lets get to basics. Relax. Take a deep breath. Breath again! Is he or she any different from you? Do they wipe their ass just like you? (Pardon my nasty example, but it's true!) It's easy to say and for some difficult to do, but you need to relax. I understand some people are shy, but if EVERYONE is shy, no one would talk. Or at least many good opportunities would be wasted as we do not always "get to know"everyone we see and grow comfortable around them.

Now different situations call for different actions. For example, you make eye contact for a period of time, she smiles and looks away, you keep staring, she sees you staring, and now you are "that creepy guy on the subway that stares." There is a difference between making eye contact and staring/gawking. If you make eye contact on the subway, SMILE! If she shows signs of interest say hello, introduce yourself! What's the worst that happens? She ignores you or moves away. If she does that RESPECT IT! A subway can be an intimidating place, especially for women, and especially at night.

Hope that helps! Let us know if you have any other questions or comments.

Dating question? Write to us at Dating@ApproachDynamics.com
Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - Getting Her Phone Number

www.ApproachDynamics.com

Let’s face it, the purpose of jumping through all those hoops online is to meet someone. This isn’t going to happen until you get her off the website and meet her in person. In order to do that, you need to get her contact info (i.e. her phone number).

You want to get to an in-person meeting ASAP. Remember, none of those back and forth emails and phone calls mean ANYTHING until you meet in person. I think each of us can recall a time where we thought we had found our soulmate online, only to be extremely disappointed upon actually meeting them (mine didn’t even take her jacket off)!

When to ask for the number:

Here is the rule. If she was the one who originally initiated contact, ask for it on your SECOND email. If you initiated contact, do it on the THIRD. Enough rapport should have developed by this point that she should have no problem giving you the digits.

How to ask for the number:

Easy. "What’s your number?" DO NOT say "Can I call you sometime?" WEAK. Be direct. Be decisive.

Take a little bit of time putting together a brief paragraph asking for her number. The good news is that you can save it as a template and use it over and over again (just remember to change her name, Skippy). What you want to convey (in your own writing style) is essentially, ‘You seem pretty cool. Let’s get off this site and meet for a drink, like normal people, and see what happens.’ I also like to tease them a little and promise that I will only call 15 times a day. This is a nice touch, but make sure it is CLEAR you are kidding. Capice?

Ok, I sent the email. Now what?

Wait for her response. If she gives you her number, great! Call her within 1-2 days and set up a meeting for drinks.

If she doesn’t give it to you, cease all contact with her IMMEDIATELY and move on. Also, please note that any response which does not contain the physical digits themselves is a NO. ‘I don’t have a phone,’ ‘Let’s stay on email,’ or ‘How about you give me YOUR number’ are all BS. What you have there is a control freak, a game player or (most likely) a woman with low interest in you. Either way, any further communication with her is a waste of your time.

Now go get some digits!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - Your Photos

www.ApproachDynamics.com

We've all heard the expression, "a picture is worth a thousand words." We can think of no better place where this applies than online dating. A picture, for better or for worse, WILL make or break your profile.

Let’s face it - the photo is the first place you go to when you are looking at someone’s profile. I think this is the one area where both men and women are alike. If you are not attracted to the other person, NOTHING is going to happen. This is why it is SO important to have the right pictures on your profile.

At the outset, you MUST have pictures in your profile. This is non-negotiable, and applies to both men and women. Practically everyone I know that is dating online (including myself) will pass over a photoless profile without batting an eyelash. You could have the most creative, well-written profile in the world, but if you do not have a picture, noone is going to read it. In fact, many online dating sites will actually give members the option of only viewing profiles with pictures.

As a general rule, you want to submit photos which show different sides of your personality. A good assortment would include a group shot with the guys/gals, a picture of you traveling (a famous landmark in the background is always a nice touch - and could make for a good conversation opener!), a photo of you doing something physical as well as a nice dress-up shot (a picture in a suit/tux or a cocktail dress is always a nice touch). Just make sure that the photos have a clear shot of your face and that there is at least one full body shot. And make sure your photos are recent (i.e. taken within a year).

Also, before you post anything online, ask a friend of the opposite sex for their opinion - we are not always the best judges of which pictures make us look good. Just remember that close family members are often not in a position to truly be an objective consultant, so try a member of the opposite sex that you trust will give you an honest opinion.

Another EXCELLENT idea is to post your pictures on www.hotornot.com. This website allows you to upload photos so they can be rated by other people on the site. Although the website tends to cater to a little bit of a younger crowd (18-25), it is still an invaluable (and free!) resource for people looking to get an unbiased opinion on which photos to post. I personally run all my photos through hotornot before I would even think about posting them online. And wait until you have at least 100 votes to ensure an accurate count.

Finally, here are some things to AVOID at all costs:
1. DO NOT submit any pictures with your shirt off. I don’t care how buff you are or how nice your new boob job is - you WILL be laughed at;
2. No photos with your ex cropped out;
3. Guys, stay away from pictures with babies and puppy dogs. Will throw you right into the wuss zone;
4. No self portrait webcam/cell phone photos;
5. Do NOT misrepresent yourself in your photos. I had a situation last year where a girl I was vibing with really well turned out to be a lot heavier than her pictures suggested. Not cool.

Although you cannot (and should not) worry about those areas of your physical appearance you have no control over, you CAN select photographs which make you look your best and show that you know how to take care of yourself. It is our mission at ApproachDynamics to not change who you are, but to help you present yourself in your best light.

Happy Dating!
Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge

Online Dating - The First Meeting

ApproachDynamics.com
OnlineDatingEdge.com

Notice I did not say the "first date." At this point, the two of you are still complete strangers. Sure, you have exchanged a couple of emails (hopefully not more than that) and have spoken on the phone once, but none of it means anything until you actually meet face-to-face.

The purpose of this initial meeting is to determine whether there is any physical attraction and/or chemistry between the two of you. That being the case, you want to create as low pressure an environment as possible. Make sure you meet in a public place and you each get there on your own. Also, keep it inexpensive and low-key. I like to meet initially for coffee or drinks. This way if the chemistry is not there, you can duck out with minimal time spent. Also, an inexpensive meeting like this will help you weed out the professional daters and gold-diggers that are just out for free food and entertainment at your expense. Leave those women for the chode who can't wait to show off his new BMW or brag about his job as an investment banker.

The following are some good ideas and basics for the first time you are going to be meeting someone. Whether you met this person online or through the infamous ‘blind date,’ this type of first meeting has somewhat of a different dynamic than your traditional 'first date' (which you shouldn't be doing either, but I'll save that for another column).

Obviously, the first thing you need to do is set up the date. If you have done everything right up until this point, this should be easy. Just call her up and ask her out. But before you call, make sure you have a specific date, time and place in mind. Be decisive. "Let’s grab drinks Thursday night. How’s 8:00? Great! Meet me at XXX Café 49th and 5th." Then GET OFF THE PHONE. Save the conversation for when you meet.

Things to keep in mind for the first meeting:

• You MUST have the mindset that you are the prize. You are meeting her to see if she lives up to YOUR expectations. NOT the other way around. These subtle things make a world of difference.
• If she is late, DO NOT wait more than 15 minutes for her. If she does not show up or call you within 15 minutes, LEAVE and throw her number away. Also, have something to do until she arrives, and make her find you when she gets there.
• Remember, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

I attribute a lot of my first-meeting successes to the prep work I did beforehand. Make sure you have these bases covered:

• Shine your shoes. It is one of the first things women notice.
• Remember - belt matches your shoes and socks match your pants.
• As for cologne, a good rule of thumb is that if Walgreens sells your favorite scent in a two-liter bottle, it’s time to find something else. Go to Sephora and ask women what they like - also a good conversation opener!
• Have gum/mints on you. And keep it in a place it can be discreetly accessed.
• Before you meet, re-read her online profile and the emails you have exchanged. Try and come up with some specific questions about her. Also, try to come up with default topics to talk about in case there are some awkward pauses in the conversation (relationship dysfunction, celebrity gossip - **Tip** read US Weekly for good stuff to talk about).

Here are some tips for setting up the first meeting:

• No weekends. She needs to think you have a life of your own and are out doing your own thing on Saturday and Sunday. Make the first meeting on a Mon-Thurs.
• Try to get there a few minutes early. This way you can make sure you get a good table and also find out whether the place itself is going to be a distraction (too noisy, crowded, rude waitstaff, etc). **TIP** - Try and go to a place that has tables which let you sit side-by-side as opposed to across from each other.
• Have at least 2-3 backup places in mind nearby in case you have to change venue at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances.
• Also, have a few things in mind to do afterwards if things are going well. Try to make them interactive (i.e. bowling, pool, Megatouch in a bar, foosball, rollerskating, etc.).

And finally, some suggestions for the meeting itself:

• Keep the conversation light and funny. No heavy topics, no complaints, no insults.
• Topics to avoid at all costs - Physical ailments, rape or violence, Star Trek, anything self-deprecating, anything overtly sexual, your arrest record, Dungeons and Dragons, ex-girlfriends, that time that you got drunk and wet yourself, religion, politics, marriage, children.
• However, feel free to tease her a little. Disagree with her once or twice. Once she says something you disagree with, give her that "You are messing up your chances with me" look. Another line I like to use is "and you were doing SO well..." I also like to use my hand and signal that she just went down a notch.
• Stare at her face, NOT at her chest.
• Do not lean into her. Lean back and make her come towards you. Also, do not face her directly when talking. Have her turn her body towards you.
• Always pay for the first meeting. While you should never take her up on her feeble "how much do I owe you" routine, DO take notice if she fails to offer. And for god sakes, DON’T USE A COUPON.
• No more than ONE compliment on the first meeting. And try to be more creative than, "You’re so hot."
• DO NOT make plans for another date while out on this one. Leave her wondering. The key word here is CHALLENGE.
• Be sure you are the one who ends the date first. Try to end it on a high note - leave her wanting more!

At the end of the date, take some quick notes on what worked and what didn't. Do not worry about making mistakes - it is part of the learning process. Remember, each date is practice for the next one!

Happy Dating!

Alexander Stone & Stephen David
Copyright 2007 - ApproachDynamics/Online Dating Edge